Skyjack
Hagai Cohen
24 January 2009
The Airway Bill proclaimed that the wooden box sitting on the porch by the front door of Guy Oren’s Tel Aviv home was sent from Paris. Not waiting to take it in, Guy pried open the top with a crowbar. Inside he found an envelope with an unsigned note, which read: “My little contribution to your son’s Bar Mitzvah.”
“Maurice Lazar,” guessed Guy. “The sonofabitch always does things in style.” Guy sat on the porch stool, reliving the exciting memories.
His last meeting with Maurice had been in London seven years earlier, in October 1968. At their parting what had he called it? “Our very own 'Last Supper.' We shall not meet or communicate until I say so.”
Their friendship had started in 1956 when Maurice was a French liaison officer in an Israeli air squadron and Guy was a young pilot.
“The man is definitely a spy,” said the squadron security officer in his briefing to the young pilots. “A shrewd intelligence officer, forced on us by the French government along with their Ouragan airplanes, so be careful what you say in his presence.” This remark conflicted with Maurice's evident love for Israel. He was a Jew and very loyal to the country. Being a French intelligence officer did not stop him from wanting to be of help. He was an engineer and a pilot too. His knowledge was invaluable to the young, inexperienced Israeli pilots.
The friendship between Guy and Maurice deepened only after Guy left the air force. Maurice's refined manners and charm, his large apartment, and his unlimited cases of fine champagne, attracted young men and women like moths to light. Artists, musicians, intellectuals, and many Mossad operatives with whom Maurice developed friendly ties, mingled together.
Three years of constant partying and intellectual challenges ended for Guy in 1960 when Maurice's contract expired. That same year, Guy got married. Since leaving the air force, he worked for El Al as an instructor, training new pilots and engineers.
Maurice returned to his parent’s home in Algeria where his father cultivated vineyards. His family belonged to a large group of French settlers who were disparagingly called ‘pied noir’ (black foot). Maurice found himself in the middle of a war between the OAS, a secret army of the settlers, fighting both the French army and the FLN, the Algerian liberation organization. Eventually the French government forced the settlers to return to France. Maurice and his family became refugees in their own country.
Then early in 1962, Guy received a letter from Maurice. It read:
As you know, we had to leave our vineyards in Algeria. Since we left, I have been unemployed. The French government demonized the settlers and banned us from government jobs. People today look upon us as traitors. I am desperately in need of a job. Attached is an ad from a newspaper. Your airline is hiring maintenance people here in Paris. Could you please ask them to give me a chance?
Maurice Lazar.
It was strange that Maurice who came from a wealthy family with a grandfather who owned a winery in France needed a job. Maurice had to be in desperate circumstances to write such a letter. So Guy used his influence and wrote a recommendation to the technical representative. They hired Maurice who in time became a real asset to the company. Guy and Maurice would meet occasionally over the succeeding years.
In 1966, Guy decided to retrain as an airline pilot. While still in training, he received another letter from Maurice.
Dear Guy,
I am sorry to inform you that my Grandfather died. In his will, I was his designated heir. I am now the president of “Lazar Vineyards” which is a large vineyard with a modern winery on the Cote de Rhone … I have resigned from El Al and am already working full throttle… I will always owe you and your people a huge debt. You helped me when I was in need and I’ll never forget it… I plan to re-organize the business and combine my father’s wine exports with mine… I am now in the process of renovating our old family mansion... You will be my guest during the 1968 harvest.”
Guy was highly pleased. It is quite a phenomenon having a chateau-owning friend.
One July morning in 1968, two months before his planned visit to Maurice on the Cote de Rhone, Guy was in the cockpit of a Boeing 707 preparing for his last training flight, before the final qualification checks. “Sorry, Guy,” said his training captain on entering the cockpit, “They made an error in the crew assignment and appointed two trainees to my flight. Unfortunately you're the one who must go home.” Annoyed, but with no alternative, Guy took a cab home.
The following night, on the flight back from Rome, the Boeing 707 was hijacked to Algiers airport. Three from the George Habash terror organization diverted the plane with Guy's training captain, his crew and passengers to hostile territory.
The next evening, Guy received the following surprising cable:
“Sorry about the unfortunate incident. We need to talk. Come tomorrow to Paris. Booked you on Air-France 027 departing 08:00. Waiting for you at Hotel Royal Monceau. All expenses paid.”
As his training was now suspended and he had nothing better to do, he boarded the plane the next morning.
Meeting with Maurice always felt as though there had been no separation between them. After ordering room service in his grand style, Maurice got straight to the point. “I know how you Israelis think. I have no doubt initial plans are already in progress to raid the airport and to release the hostages and the airplane. I want you to know, my father is back in Algeria. The government made it possible to get his farm back. I manage his wine export business. Once a week I fly there and use Air-France as my carrier.
“Here's the deal: with my contacts, I can prepare your airplane for flight. My motives are simple. I hate De-Gaulle for what he did to you in 1967 with the embargo on military equipment when all the Arab armies were poised on your borders. I hate what he did to my father, a decorated French officer, forcing him to leave his home and business. I hate the French Intelligence Service for turning its back on me when I was in need. I am thankful to your airline for restoring my dignity and my self-respect. I will do anything to help. Give this envelope to your Vice President of Security. If we get the green light, we’ll start working.”
“Why do you need me?” asked Guy.
“First, I don’t want to be in direct contact with the Mossad. I don't trust any secret service people anywhere and direct contact with Mossad agents might endanger my future. Second, I need you for technical support, for manuals, wiring diagrams, spare parts, etc. The gunshots in the cockpit could have created extensive damage. I will need all the technical help I can get. Later we will need a flight plan, weight & balance calculations, and more. You will mail all those documents to a post office box in Geneva. And then you are done.”
The next morning, Guy was on his way back to Tel-Aviv.
A meeting with two Mossad people was set up in a Tel-Aviv hotel room. The two were hostile to Guy right from the start.
"Show us IDs," said the older.
Guy showed them his ID cards; the younger examined the documents for a long time. The older took out a pack of forms and said to Guy: "Fill these forms using blue ink. We are going for a coffee. We'll be back in an hour."
Guy started to fill the forms and soon became extremely annoyed. He could not remember the birth dates of his brother and sisters nor the schools they attended. Guy was already a pilot when his sisters started school.
The agents returned an hour later. Guy contemptuously handed them the unfilled and unsigned forms.
"Listen you," said the older agent angrily, "who do you think you are?"
"I’m the man you were sent to meet. Talk to me if you have anything to say or just walk away."
The agents were speechless. Guy collected his ID cards and started to walk towards the door. The younger man stopped him and said, "Look Guy, we must check you up. We do not trust a ’walk-in agent‘ and what we are doing here is most unusual. We do not know what your role will be in the operation but we are to act as your linkage to the Mossad.”
"You probably know more about me than I do, so don’t forget my parents birthdays," said Guy sarcastically.
The young man held out a plastic envelope. “Here is your flight ticket and some expense money. We will meet you and Maurice the day after tomorrow in Geneva. Your instructions are in the envelope.”
Guy accepted the envelope and said, "And what might your names be, and how am I supposed to get in touch with you?"
"I’m Booky " said the older man, "and he’s Doky, and you don’t need to get in touch with us. We'll find you if and when required."
"Arrogant assholes!" was Guy's assessment. He said, "In that case I'll call you Black and Decker"
"What do you mean?" said Booky.
“First, your names are not Booky and Doky. Second, Simon and Schuster are already taken by my friend's cats.”
It was a case of dislike at first sight and definitely not a pleasant encounter.
Two days later, the four met in Geneva, Black & Decker, Maurice and Guy. They discussed the lines of communication and procedures. Maurice stayed on with Guy after Black and Decker left. He briefed him thoroughly. “Remember you are not a professional spy. Behave like a tourist. Do not look back. Turn your head at pretty women, if you think you are being shadowed, stop at a shop window and check out who that person is. Go to the same places, talk to people and be friendly. Volunteer irrelevant information, and hide your thoughts.”
“Is what we are doing illegal?”
“What you will be doing is completely legal. You will be transferring documents within your company. The Post Office box in Geneva is also your company mailbox. What I am doing is illegal. If questioned, you don’t know me.”
“Who are Black and Decker and what am I supposed to do with them? What do I need them for? Do I have to report to them?” "Relax!" said Maurice "don't be upset, Black and Decker’s roles are just to babysit. They are supposed to make sure nobody is on your tail, warn you and smuggle you to a safe house if anything goes wrong.
Now, here is the deal, I'll tell you what we need and you will provide it: Maintenance, Manual pages, spare parts, performance calculations, fuel etc. Don't worry about reporting. I'll take care of that."
Guy moved into a small hotel in Montparnasse that Maurice recommended. “I know the people in the hotel and I may use them if I need them,” said Maurice. Another problem Guy faced was the cover story for the French employees in the El-Al dispatch office. It was quite normal for trainee pilots to spend hours at the dispatch office as it functioned as a library, but why in Paris when his home was in Tel-Aviv?
“I have fallen in love with a petite, beautiful, sexy, classy girl… the best thing ever to happen to me,” he confided in them. “I’m staying at her place.”
It was a story the romantic French could easily swallow. They even gave him advice on how to satisfy the high demands of a Frenchwoman.
When an upgraded version of a Teleprinter was installed in the company offices, the dispatch people were pleased with Guy's knowledge of it’s working. They were not yet trained and Guy was able to teach them how to use it.
A Teleprinter was installed also in the Geneva’s office. Guy mailed a small 'teleprinting' instruction book to Maurice. Twenty-four hours later Maurice had mastered the skill and "Sita" aviation communication network became their way to communicate.
Guy ensured Maurice received prompt responses to his requests. A week later the bullet damaged instrument was replaced. Guy never discovered how the $10,000.00 artificial horizon which he had given to an Air France pilot at Orly who then flew to Oslo, ever got to the damaged airplane in Algiers. Fortunately, the horizon took the bullet and was the only damage to the plane. The aircraft was refueled. Maurice used the “SHELL” credit card hidden on board and paid for the 14,000 gallons of aviation fuel. “Except for the ground air-starter, all is ready,” read the coded cable.
As he had been advised, Guy maintained a daily routine: three hours every morning at the airport; lunch at the same restaurant where he sat at the same table. At the end of the third week, Guy found a man seated at his usual table. The man was a regular in the brasserie. He always sat two or three tables away. He was friendly with the proprietor and nice to the waitresses. He seemed like a nice chap. He immediately stood up and said, "Oh, I’m sorry. I have taken your place, I’ll move.”
“No. Stay where you are. I’ll find another place.”
“No, no. The table is yours.”
The restaurant was full and there were no tables available.
"Perhaps I can share the table with you?" said Guy.
“Certainly."
Guy sat down.
"Are you a tourist in France?" asked the man.
"You may call me a tourist but in fact I am a trainee pilot on observation flights. Paris is an important hub for our company, and the dispatch office has a rich library, so I spend three or four hours a day studying. That is, when I don't fly."
“I am Paul Ladaque.”
“Guy Oren.”
Paul was a few years older than Guy, intelligent and interesting. He spoke several languages, and loved art and music. Guy liked him immediately.
“I used to work for ‘Fnac electronics’ in marketing," he informed Guy. "Quite a bore! I have applied for several positions, and am waiting for replies.”
"The man is friendly," thought Guy, wondering about his sexual orientation, "maybe too friendly."
"Are you married, Paul?" asked Guy after a few minutes of small talk.
"No. I am in between girlfriends, in between jobs and in between apartments. I am not gay, if that is what you wanted to know."
"The bastard is smart,"
As they were enjoying each other’s company, the lunch took longer than usual. As they departed, Paul said, "See you tomorrow. A' bientot."
After the lunch the next day, Paul said. “Why don’t we get together for a drink one evening? I'll introduce you to my friends. You'll like them."
His friends were educated intellectuals, with connections that enabled them to get tickets to the opera, to the Comedie Francaise and other shows. Within two weeks, he felt he had known Paul a lifetime.
“My parents have a big house near Orleans,” said Paul one day. “I am going down for the weekend, will you join me? I usually don’t go there but as I am still not involved with any female, I feel I owe them a visit. They like company, mine especially, and they love to entertain.”
Guy was surprised but pleased, as it was atypical for the French to invite people to their homes. “Of course I’ll come,” he said. They exchanged confidences while they drove to the estate on the Loire river. Paul was interested in Guy’s life and Guy spoke about it happily.
“Did you fly for the Israeli Air Force?” asked Paul.
Guy had reasons other than withholding military secrets, not to answer the question. He had learned Paul was a pacifist, a member of several human rights organizations, was against weapons of mass destruction and against army service anywhere. To tell Paul he had flown a French aircraft and bombarded the Egyptian convoy in the Mitla pass was out of the question. Besides he was embarrassed to tell Paul how he felt about the unsafe French technology and their under-performance aircraft. Finally, he did not want to discuss politics - not the French government’s hypocrisy nor the embargo on critical spare parts during the Six-Day War.
“I was an operation specialist in the Air Force and learned to fly after I left it,” said Guy.
Paul showed genuine interest in Guy’s family, his children, his training and more. Guy answered his questions openly
They arrived at the house at three o’clock after lunching en route. They walked along the riverbank and had a friendly chat about the future of the Middle East; Paul knew more about the conflict than most Frenchman did. As Paul accompanied Guy to his room, he said suddenly, “Please wear a suit for dinner. It’s important for my parents.”
Monsieur and Madame Ladaque were hospitable but extremely formal until Guy said, “Madame Ladaque, this soufflé is excellent but it should be served only with the windows closed.”
“I beg your pardon,” said the lady.
“It’s so light, it could fly away.”
Everybody laughed and it broke the ice.
They moved to the living room for coffee. Two full size oil portraits hung on both sides of the fireplace. One was of a Spanish nobleman leaning one hand on a dining table. The other was of a woman in an evening gown sitting on a chair.
“The woman in the picture is sitting on the same chair you are sitting on,” said Guy to the old man.
"You’re very observant, Mr. Oren. The table we ate on is the same as the one in the other picture. Those two paintings are five hundred years old. Most of the furniture we have is from the same time."
This intrigued Guy so he got up and approached the paintings. He could not believe his eyes. He moved closer. The letters on the fringes of the tablecloth in the picture were in Hebrew script. What he read made him dizzy.
“Are you all right?” asked the old man. “Come, sit down.” He helped Guy to his seat. A bottle of cognac and a glass appeared. “A small glass will do you good,” said M. Ladaque as he poured. “What did you see in the painting?"
Guy did not know how or whether he should tell them.
“Paul,” said the father to his son, “glasses for everybody.”
“Is the man in the painting one of your family?” asked Guy.
“Yes. He was the first to settle in France from Spain.”
“Was his name Ladaque?”
“No. His name did not sound French so he changed it.”
“The writing on the fringes in the painting are, in fact, Hebrew,” said Guy.
A profound silence followed.
Guy took a piece of paper and wrote down the text in the painting and the translation: “The scholar, our father, and teacher, Moshe, son of Eliyahu, helper to the poor and a fortress to the under-privileged.”
Guy said, “The word for 'under-privileged' sounds like Ladaque. I believe your name comes from that word.”
Paul's mother, of old Roman Catholic heritage, was in shock. She got up and walked back and forth muttering. Paul frowned in his chair. The old man In a strange state of excitement, excused himself and said “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Twenty minutes later, he returned carrying a leather portfolio, which he opened very carefully on the coffee table. Paul and his mother looked on in surprise. After searching through the documents within, the old man produced two parchments, which he handed to Guy. Examining the first, Guy started to tremble again. It was a painting of the sacrifice of Isaac, drawn with tiny Hebrew letters instead of lines. The size of the letters and the old Hebrew syntax without spaces was not easy to read or understand.
“It is a testament, written by someone whose name is unclear, asking his children to return to Judaism once the danger is over. The date on it was 1498.”
“Can’t you read the name?” asked Mr. Ladaque.
“No, I'm sorry,” said Guy. “It looks as if the name was deliberately defaced.”
The second document was a Ketuba, a Jewish marriage contract written in Aramaic. The old man was all agog. He pulled out more documents and wrote down every word Guy said. Not until 02:00 did he let Guy go to bed.
Paul’s behavior throughout the evening had been somewhat strange. He sat quietly, deeply preoccupied. His mother retired for the night after being disoriented over an hour.
The next morning, Paul seemed not to be the same friendly person as before. “I'm sorry,” said Guy, “I can see you are troubled. Is it related to what we found in the painting last night?”
“No.” His manner was brusque. “We must return to Paris immediately after breakfast.”
They drove silently for half an hour, then Paul said, “I’ve been offered a job in Marseille. I fly there tomorrow."
Guy was surprised and hurt. "Why didn’t you say anything before? We've been sharing so much together and I have been with you since yesterday morning. Why only now do you choose to talk about it?”
“Well, you know, I wasn’t sure I wanted the job. Also I did not want to talk about it in front of my parents.”
“You could have told me in the car driving down,” Guy sulked. “However, I wish you good luck and I hope you’ll like it over there. Marseille is not Paris you know.”
“I don't believe we’ll meet again soon, but don’t worry I know where to find you,” said Paul as he dropped Guy off at his hotel. “Au revoir.”
“Bye,” said Guy.
Guy went up to his room. The visit to the Ladaques was not entirely a pleasant one. He was wondering what went wrong. He had been in the room only half an hour when a note was slipped under the connecting door to the next room.
Trainee pilot Guy Oren - crew assignment
dhd ly 215/26 ory-tlv ETD 23:30.
Crew assignment officer
Azovmiyad
The signature code was the password agreed with Maurice. The text on the note had no meaning. The code word translated as: ‘Leave immediately’ but, in addition meant: “Don’t pack. Don’t checkout. Take a train/ferry to London and fly home from there. Your mission is over.’
Guy got dressed in civvies, folded his uniform over his arm and draped a trench coat over it. He crossed the street to a corner café with entrances on two sides. He came in one door, joined a large group of people on their way out and emerged through the other door. On the next corner, he took a cab to the Champs Elysees, where he hailed another cab and went to the Gare du Nord. A train to Brussels was about to leave, Guy decided not to follow his instructions to the letter and he took it.
"If anyone is looking for me" thought Guy, "Belgium is a better destination. They never check passports on the train."
The next morning he joined an El Al crew on a flight to Tel Aviv.
Back home, Guy felt he had been dumped. Nobody called him; he knew no one to contact. The plane and the hostages in Algiers remained unreleased and nothing appeared about it in the newspapers. There was no diplomatic progress either. “What happened?” he kept asking himself. He had no idea where Maurice was or how to contact him. He did not think it would be discreet to write to his home.
Two days later, his luggage arrived with no indication of how it had been arranged. A few days later, on Sunday September 1, the aircraft, and the hostages were released in exchange for some terrorists. Guy got his instructor back and a month later, he was a qualified first officer.
On Guy’s second flight as first officer, which was to London, he found an envelope amongst the flight papers. “Join us for a party in room 303 at 18:00.”
Guy knocked on the door at exactly 6:00 P.M. and, to his surprise, he found Maurice, Black and Decker and two other men he had not met before, inside the suite. A bottle of champagne stood on a small bar with some nibbling goodies, but it did not look like a party. All had raised their hackles. Maurice was the only one to greet him. Guy just sat on the couch with a glass of champagne, Maurice went into a huddle with Black and Decker who in turn, whispered to each other. Then they went into a huddle with the two other men, and so on, back and forth. Half an hour later, Black and Decker, and the two other men left the room and Maurice finally spoke to Guy.
“What you witnessed," said Maurice, "is the ugly part of secret service work. Black and Decker tried to blackmail me, to force me to supply intelligence information. They brought their ‘control’ as backup. When I refused, they promised to incriminate me with some documents in their possession. I was not born yesterday, as you know. I told you before, we were considered 'walk-in agents' who are troublesome to any secret service. 'Walk-in agents' are the first to be sacrificed when anything goes sour. As a safety measure, I did my homework. I told them their real names, there home addresses, and their safe houses in France. I convinced them I could harm them as much, and maybe more, both in France and in Israel. We are now in the middle of a cold war with a balanced exchange of threats.”
After throwing back some champagne, he continued: "Black and Decker did not understand your role in the operation. They had no idea what it takes to prepare an airplane for flight. You are one of a few who knows the engineering as well as the operational aspect of the flight. The ‘off airways’ flight-plan you so skillfully created, the fuel calculation, the takeoff performance, and the myriads of other details, usually done by five separate professionals, was all done by you. Quite impressive.
Black and Decker were supposed to be in touch with you, to watch and protect you. They loathe us both. Their lack of trust in us extended to wanting us to fail. They ‘forgot’ to give you an address or phone number where they could be reached.
“The Geneva office was my idea and for various reasons. The first and the most important one was that the airport serves both France and Switzerland. I still have my airline pass. I can move across easily between France and Switzerland. The Geneva office handles only two flights a week. The staff comes from Zurich just for the flights. The rest of the time, the office is empty. You cleverly used the ‘SITA’ ( societe internationale telecommunication aeronautique ) Teleprinter to report to me. Black and Decker did not know about the SITA network and had no access to it. After I learned to use it I could communicate with your Vice President of Security, who was very pleased nothing leaked out. We kept Black and Decker out of the picture. They were astonished to hear that the airplane was ready for flight. They were fuming you did not use the post office, their only way to follow up. They came to Paris to grill you but did not know where you stayed. Their clumsy presence in France - looking for you - was registered by French intelligence, who then found you.”
After a short pause, Maurice continued: “I told Black and Decker some time before that Monday, to warn you. They did not do so. The French wanted Black & Decker, not you. They wanted to get to them through you. Black & Decker felt it, fled and left you to face the music. The plan was to arrest you on the morning of Monday September 26. The hotel sommelier, who is on my payroll to promote my wines, left you the note advising you to leave at once. As a safety measure, I drove all night to get you out of the hotel, just in case you didn’t get the note.”
Then Maurice said, "I assume you met a man called Paul Ladaque?" Guy’s face drained of all color from the shock. He cleared his throat twice before he could answer, “Yes, he is a good friend of mine.”
“Good friend, my ass! Colonel Ladaque is ruthless, a bright, talented and loyal officer whom I knew in French intelligence. He has never failed in any investigation. That charismatic chap can put the hangman’s rope around your neck and assure you it is for your own good. He was, in fact, about to nail you.”
Guy was in disbelief. “He held memberships in a host of human rights organizations.”
“Just a façade, to help him catch radicals and impress people like you. Paul took you out of town so nobody could warn you. The hotel was under surveillance in case Black and Decker showed up. His parents are in it too. He asked his parents not to discuss any topic that might reveal his occupation. Did the old man ask you how you met Paul? What you were doing in France? If you were married? No? Ha! I didn't think so. The old man was briefed. What I cannot understand is why Paul brought you back earlier than planned and called off the arrest.”
Guy was quiet for a long time.
“It was probably the cognac with the old man,” he said finally.
“What are you talking about?”
Guy told his story.
“Are you telling me that traces of Jewish blood kicked Paul all the way to Marseille? I wish I could confront him and rib him. It's not like Paul to get emotionally involved.”
“How do you know what goes on in the French Intelligence Bureau?”
“You really don't need to know that,” said Maurice.
Guy thought long and deeply. Was it possible Paul Ladaque himself was the source? Maurice was always one-step ahead, and knew too many details.
Maurice kept up the chatter for two more hours over Caille a la Russe aux truffes, (Russian style quail with truffles), which was in keeping with his style. The taste of that succulent meal lingered on Guy’s tongue.
“Listen Guy, we mustn't meet or communicate until I say so. This could be our very own 'Last Supper',” said Maurice as he escorted Guy to his hotel door and gave him a warm embrace. "By the way" Maurice added "we could never have rescued the crew and the airplane as originally planned: the bastards had filled the cabin with forty tons of sand bags. It took a whole day to offload 1600 sand bags before the flight.”
Guy turned his attention to the box on the porch, removed the foam chips, and exposed a 12 gallons barrel of delicate French wine.
The end
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
High coffe
Hoch Kaffe
Hagai Cohen
Although externally I look quite normal, I am not perfect. My defect is not visible to the naked eye and it is hard to explain. To put it simply, I do not like anything sweet.
Growing up, with this imperfection was not an easy task. It seemed that kids were more understanding than grown-ups. When I told a friend, "I don't like chocolate," he would respond, "That's all right, I don't like spinach.” But if I would say that to a grown-up the immediate reaction would be:” What? Nonsense! Everybody likes sugar. I've never heard of such a stupid thing." And then more questions: "Not even ice-cream?" or "What about chocolate fudge? Not even that? I don’t believe you." And so on.
Grown-ups were quite upset about my aversion to sweets. Their biggest concern was that it might become a trend. Meaning that more and more children might develop a dislike to sweets, and the best weapon that they had ever had against children, would be rendered useless, "No ice-cream after supper if you don't eat your cauliflower". The poor child would eat the entire cauliflower just because he liked ice cream. With me it never worked. Nobody ever made me eat food I didn't like with a promise of an ice- cream. Grown-ups never understood. All they could do was comment, "What a stubborn boy!"
.
"Hoch Kaffe" was a daily routine, at my friend, Meir Besserkopff’s house. If you are only interested in the meaning of the expression Hoch Kaffe you should skip reading now and go directly to the last paragraph. However, if you really want to understand the full essence of the words then just be patient.
My friend Meir was born in Israel, to parents, who had been born in Germany and left for Jerusalem in 1934 following the rise of Hitler, It was during High School that I met Meir, and we very quickly became good friends. We went to the same sports club together, we studied music at the same music school, and a lot of our school homework was done together, mostly at his house.
Meir lived together with his younger brother and parents in a huge apartment of twenty fives rooms. In fact, this apartment was a full "slice" of a big house - an entire floor. On the other floors of the same building there were at least five apartments in the equivalent space. To make it easy to find your way in this large labyrinth each room was given a specific name, - the morning room, the coffee room, the laundry, the mud room, the cold room, the stone house and so on.
Each of the rooms was heavily furnished with cumbersome dark walnut furniture. Each piece of furniture looked so massive that it seemed as if they had been built on location before the house. It was impossible to imagine that they could ever have fit through the door-frames.
Meir's father was a professor of history at the Hebrew university. His mother ran the ‘estate,’ together with three hired hands; a maid, a cook, and a secretary. They too resided in the apartment and were on immediate standby 24/7.
Reflecting back on it today I am sure that Meir never had an egg salad sandwich or humus in pitta bread. Whenever Meir expressed a desire for a snack (through the right channels of course), he would get (only if it was not too close to a scheduled meal), a huge silver tray full of small things, they called "canapé’s". These were coin size, round slices of bread, each piled up with goodies such as smoked fish, various cheeses, all kinds of processed meats, decorated with fancy vegetables, black and green olives, tiny pieces of red, green and yellow peppers, tomatoes, lemon, capers and more. Each one of those microscopic club sandwiches looked like a flower. They were all arranged together on a big silver tray in the formation of a giant flower. A work of art, that would cause a guilty conscience to the person eating the ‘installation’. It was the only food that Meir was allowed to eat with his bare hands, and only in the morning room.
Nobody in Meir’s house spoke unless spoken to first by a higher authority. I glimpsed Meir’s father a few times but never heard his voice. He probably had nothing to say and had no need to enforce his authority as everything went so smoothly in this well lubricated flawless household.
My friend Meir had a split personality, he used to joke with me about the strict rules and codes in his house when he was out with me, but complied with the discipline to perfection when he was home with his parents and servants. Meir used to joke about his communication with his father. "When I want to talk to my father" he said:"1. I write a draft. 2. I take it to my mom for approval. 3. Once approved, the secretary types it and puts it in an envelope. 4. The maid takes the note to my father. 5. My father consults his calendar and sets a date for next October, and so on".
Once, while studying for an exam together, Meir and I were unaware of the time until all of a sudden there was a knock on the door.
Meir jumped, as if he had been bitten by a snake. It was obvious that Meir had missed an important duty.
"Its Hoch Kaffe, Master Besserkopff," said the maid, in German, from behind the door.”
What is Hoch Kaffe?" I asked Meir, "We are just having coffee," Meir replied, and rushed me into the guest bathroom. He pointed at two small towels with my name on a piece of paper next to them. He introduced me to a secret button on the wall, by which the toilet was flushed. He left the room saying, "You may wash your hands now".
This sentence came to me as a big surprise, what could it mean - I may wash my hands.
For a few seconds I was sure something very bad had happened to Meir. First, the jump at the maid's knock, then this stupid hand-washing directive, it could only mean trouble.
All of a sudden it came to me as clear as day, in this household nobody was supposed to know what you are planing to do in the bathroom, it is a private matter between you and your body. It is inconceivable even to imagine what one could be doing there. Thus, the Besserkopffs used a code, "wash your hands" so that nobody would ever guess what you really did in there.
Meir was waiting for me after I had finished "washing my hands" and escorted me to the coffee room. Everyone was already seated as we walked in, except for the maid, who was standing on alert wearing a fresh apron and a clean cape.
Meir's father stood, with a very angry face, watching the big pendulum clock that showed one and a half-minutes past five O'clock. I was not sure but it seemed as if everybody was waiting just for us - the father, the mother, an uncle, I had never met, and Meir’s eleven year old brother .
The table in front of me was loaded. There were two plates stacked one on top of the other, a cup and a saucer - all matching Rosenthal china. A spoon, a teaspoon and an oddly shaped fork- all solid silver were neatly arranged next to the china. Straight away I spotted what I thought were cookies, but the Besserkopffs later explained that they were "petit-fours". On a serving table next to the coffee pitcher there were two different cakes, one moist or creamy usually eaten with a spoon, and the other dry, eaten with the odd shaped fork.
At that moment Meir's mom signaled to the ‘alerted’ maid who immediately started pouring the coffee and passing it down the chain of command, starting with the father and finishing with Meir's brother.
I was watching the perfectly executed drill when I was surprised by the maid who sneaked up behind me and inquired, "Master Gonen what kind of cake do you prefer?
She caught me unprepared. It was the first time, and I think also the last that anyone had ever called me Master Gonen. I, however, was not planning to eat any cake. I took a moment to recuperate and then responded, "Thank you, I do not eat cakes." The maid's words to me were the first words spoken in the coffee room, and after my answer was emitted the silence turned into a deep silence. The air stopped moving, and I am sure that even the cakes took it as a personal insult.
"I am sorry madam, nothing is wrong with the cakes. I merely do not eat anything sweet." I said, answering the question that Meir's mother had not yet even asked. Though questions quickly followed:
"Not even a chocolate?"
“Not even a chocolate madam," was my answer.
"But you must eat sugar," she said “it's good for your health."
I knew for sure, that this coffee party was not going to be my cup of tea, and the worst had yet to come.
It was the time now for the ceremony of sweetening the coffee. On the table over the snow white starched linen table cloth rested two lidded jars full of sugar cubes. As I watched the people around the table I wondered how was it possible to make a simple coffee drink so complicated.
Each one in turn (according to hierarchy) removed the lid from the sugar jar and held it in their left hand, then with their right hand they picked up the specially provided silver tongs.
Now, to pick up a sugar cube is a skill of competence, experience and long training. One should figure out beforehand, which one of the cubes should be picked up. It must be the one cube that once removed will not disturb the peaceful rest of the other cubes, or cause them to move, or make noise or tragically damage any of them ‘God forbid’.
Now the tongs had to grip the cube at the very end because it was absolutely forbidden to wet the tongs whilst dropping the sugar into the coffee. OOPS, did I say dropping? Pardon my language, dropping is an obscene word I think ‘launching’ would be a more appropriate word or perhaps ‘inserting’. This is an operation which definitely requires fine motor skills, which are probably not yet developed in a person under the age of twelve. Meir's brother was not allowed to sweeten the coffee himself, hence the maid had to do it.
There should be no splash while the cube is inserted, and absolutely no waves, not to mention any noise. And this is not all, after the sugar is in, there must be a certain pause. One must give time for the sugar cube to break before commencing to stir. If enough time is not given, the sugar cube might clink once or twice on the side of the Rosenthal, an inconceivable offence. On the other hand, if you do not take any chances and you give it a little extra time, you will immediately observe a few raised eyebrows, as you are slowing down the others, and the coffee might get cold.
Now to the stirring itself, yet another pre-calculated motion: The spoon was held between the thumb and the index finger in a vertical position with the rest of the fingers spread apart and kept as far away as possible from the coffee. The next and final maneuver is the stirring action: three or four consecutive turns. At no phase of this stage should the spoon touch any part of the cup.
You should try doing the next performance in sequence: Firstly, lift a full cup of coffee and put it back on the saucer without making any noise. Secondly, try to drink the coffee with closed tight lips, without releasing any sipping sound. Lastly, try to eat a cake and talk with the same closed mouth. If you manage to do it right, you will be qualified to have coffee with the Besserkopffs.
As you have probably guessed, there was nothing for me in drinking sweetened coffee, there was really no reason for me to worry about the delicate skill and precise procedure of launching sugar in my coffee, or stirring without a rustle. I felt confident in my prowess. However, I was not aware that Meir's family used the coffee procedure as criteria for assessing the level of manners a person had. In fact, they wanted to compare me to Meir. To get positive reinforcement that he was reared better.
The moment they acknowledged that I did not use the tongs and the spoon they felt they had lost strategic ground. I felt the growing tension but did not contemplate for even one second starting to use sugar for the sake of the Besserkopffs.
The first to speak was Meir's mother who said: "You may put sugar in your coffee!" As she was addressing me I had to answer. "Thank you madam, I think I'll have my coffee without sugar". This statement rendered everyone speechless. To me it felt like the quiet gathering of the clouds before the storm. I felt sorry for Meir who didn't know what to do and may have had some regrets for having invited me.
Suddenly, the uncle dared to talk to nobody in particular. Although it was none of his business, and he was not in charge of my education, he felt his input may be important. So he spoke into the air. (The term transmitting blind’ is very descriptive.) “Sugar is a very important element of nutrition. Pilots take chocolate as an immediate source of energy before going into combat." As the uncle had not spoken directly to me, I did not feel I needed to respond.
Although I was ready for almost anything I was suddenly taken by surprise. I could not imagine that the master of all masters, the closest mortal to the creator - Mr. Besserkopff would be interested in my coffee drinking but he was. Mr. Besserkopff picked up a fork and clinked on his cup of coffee to draw everybody's attention and started to talk. I was very surprised to hear his voice as I had never heard it before, it sounded as if the voice did not belong to anybody and was coming from outer space. He spoke for some time before I started to listen to what he was talking about.
Our ancestors were gatherers. They collected grains and their body's had to work hard to separate the roughage from the carbohydrates. Their body had to work once again to break the carbohydrates into sugar, which is the only form of energy the human body can use. This is a very inefficient process which causes a negative balance of energy. It doesn’t leave much energy to make the body grow. Today, thanks to an Englishman in Brazil who invented the process of sugar distillation we now have the purest form of energy ever found. The very same man even used pure sugar as a medicine to cure his sick wife. Today the body does not waste energy processing the sugar, so we are taller, stronger, and we live longer.
I was half listening and half thinking “I’ve got to get out of this place, but how?” I could not just get up and walk I had to do something for Meir who I had never seen looking so down before.
Mr. Besserkopff was not finished; he kept talking about Meir and how healthy, and tall he was. He emphasized the fact that Meir was never sick with any children’s diseases. Meir looked miserable, and I was becoming more and more uncomfortable. I tried very hard to come up with an exit plan for Meir and myself.
It came to me like a divine light, like a board to a drowning sailor. I stood up and said, "I am sorry but I have to wash my hands". These were the best winning words I had ever used. It was like sticking the dagger into the bull's heart, the final knockout. I was on their ground and I had used their very own weapon, for a blow under the belt. I knew very well that nobody would question what exactly I needed to do, or what had made my hands dirty. I also knew that Meir would come after me, but I did not want to take any chances so I rushed to the bathroom and locked myself in. Twenty minutes later I came out very quietly to find Meir peeping through his door, with the maid on standby to destroy all the evidence and to disinfect the bathroom. Meir smuggled me safely out of the house.
Epilogue
"Hoch Kaffe" stands for the coffee people in Germany drink at five o'clock, at the "high part” of the day. The Englishman who discovered how to distil the sugar was a real person. He was sure he had found the ultimate pure food. What Meir's father forgot to tell me though, was that the very same Englishman killed his wife by feeding her only sugar for three months. Meir himself, brought back to life, some children’s’ illnesses that had already long been forgotten. He was sick for three years, virtually non-stop, during his army service. He contracted all of the children’s diseases he had been deprived of as a child. They came along with all of the possible textbook complications.
Unfortunately, I never had Hoch Kaffe again. I was banned from the house of the civilized people.
The End
Although externally I look quite normal, I am not perfect. My defect is not visible to the naked eye and it is hard to explain. To put it simply, I do not like anything sweet.
Growing up, with this imperfection was not an easy task. It seemed that kids were more understanding than grown-ups. When I told a friend, "I don't like chocolate," he would respond, "That's all right, I don't like spinach.” But if I would say that to a grown-up the immediate reaction would be:” What? Nonsense! Everybody likes sugar. I've never heard of such a stupid thing." And then more questions: "Not even ice-cream?" or "What about chocolate fudge? Not even that? I don’t believe you." And so on.
Grown-ups were quite upset about my aversion to sweets. Their biggest concern was that it might become a trend. Meaning that more and more children might develop a dislike to sweets, and the best weapon that they had ever had against children, would be rendered useless, "No ice-cream after supper if you don't eat your cauliflower". The poor child would eat the entire cauliflower just because he liked ice cream. With me it never worked. Nobody ever made me eat food I didn't like with a promise of an ice- cream. Grown-ups never understood. All they could do was comment, "What a stubborn boy!"
.
"Hoch Kaffe" was a daily routine, at my friend, Meir Besserkopff’s house. If you are only interested in the meaning of the expression Hoch Kaffe you should skip reading now and go directly to the last paragraph. However, if you really want to understand the full essence of the words then just be patient.
My friend Meir was born in Israel, to parents, who had been born in Germany and left for Jerusalem in 1934 following the rise of Hitler, It was during High School that I met Meir, and we very quickly became good friends. We went to the same sports club together, we studied music at the same music school, and a lot of our school homework was done together, mostly at his house.
Meir lived together with his younger brother and parents in a huge apartment of twenty fives rooms. In fact, this apartment was a full "slice" of a big house - an entire floor. On the other floors of the same building there were at least five apartments in the equivalent space. To make it easy to find your way in this large labyrinth each room was given a specific name, - the morning room, the coffee room, the laundry, the mud room, the cold room, the stone house and so on.
Each of the rooms was heavily furnished with cumbersome dark walnut furniture. Each piece of furniture looked so massive that it seemed as if they had been built on location before the house. It was impossible to imagine that they could ever have fit through the door-frames.
Meir's father was a professor of history at the Hebrew university. His mother ran the ‘estate,’ together with three hired hands; a maid, a cook, and a secretary. They too resided in the apartment and were on immediate standby 24/7.
Reflecting back on it today I am sure that Meir never had an egg salad sandwich or humus in pitta bread. Whenever Meir expressed a desire for a snack (through the right channels of course), he would get (only if it was not too close to a scheduled meal), a huge silver tray full of small things, they called "canapé’s". These were coin size, round slices of bread, each piled up with goodies such as smoked fish, various cheeses, all kinds of processed meats, decorated with fancy vegetables, black and green olives, tiny pieces of red, green and yellow peppers, tomatoes, lemon, capers and more. Each one of those microscopic club sandwiches looked like a flower. They were all arranged together on a big silver tray in the formation of a giant flower. A work of art, that would cause a guilty conscience to the person eating the ‘installation’. It was the only food that Meir was allowed to eat with his bare hands, and only in the morning room.
Nobody in Meir’s house spoke unless spoken to first by a higher authority. I glimpsed Meir’s father a few times but never heard his voice. He probably had nothing to say and had no need to enforce his authority as everything went so smoothly in this well lubricated flawless household.
My friend Meir had a split personality, he used to joke with me about the strict rules and codes in his house when he was out with me, but complied with the discipline to perfection when he was home with his parents and servants. Meir used to joke about his communication with his father. "When I want to talk to my father" he said:"1. I write a draft. 2. I take it to my mom for approval. 3. Once approved, the secretary types it and puts it in an envelope. 4. The maid takes the note to my father. 5. My father consults his calendar and sets a date for next October, and so on".
Once, while studying for an exam together, Meir and I were unaware of the time until all of a sudden there was a knock on the door.
Meir jumped, as if he had been bitten by a snake. It was obvious that Meir had missed an important duty.
"Its Hoch Kaffe, Master Besserkopff," said the maid, in German, from behind the door.”
What is Hoch Kaffe?" I asked Meir, "We are just having coffee," Meir replied, and rushed me into the guest bathroom. He pointed at two small towels with my name on a piece of paper next to them. He introduced me to a secret button on the wall, by which the toilet was flushed. He left the room saying, "You may wash your hands now".
This sentence came to me as a big surprise, what could it mean - I may wash my hands.
For a few seconds I was sure something very bad had happened to Meir. First, the jump at the maid's knock, then this stupid hand-washing directive, it could only mean trouble.
All of a sudden it came to me as clear as day, in this household nobody was supposed to know what you are planing to do in the bathroom, it is a private matter between you and your body. It is inconceivable even to imagine what one could be doing there. Thus, the Besserkopffs used a code, "wash your hands" so that nobody would ever guess what you really did in there.
Meir was waiting for me after I had finished "washing my hands" and escorted me to the coffee room. Everyone was already seated as we walked in, except for the maid, who was standing on alert wearing a fresh apron and a clean cape.
Meir's father stood, with a very angry face, watching the big pendulum clock that showed one and a half-minutes past five O'clock. I was not sure but it seemed as if everybody was waiting just for us - the father, the mother, an uncle, I had never met, and Meir’s eleven year old brother .
The table in front of me was loaded. There were two plates stacked one on top of the other, a cup and a saucer - all matching Rosenthal china. A spoon, a teaspoon and an oddly shaped fork- all solid silver were neatly arranged next to the china. Straight away I spotted what I thought were cookies, but the Besserkopffs later explained that they were "petit-fours". On a serving table next to the coffee pitcher there were two different cakes, one moist or creamy usually eaten with a spoon, and the other dry, eaten with the odd shaped fork.
At that moment Meir's mom signaled to the ‘alerted’ maid who immediately started pouring the coffee and passing it down the chain of command, starting with the father and finishing with Meir's brother.
I was watching the perfectly executed drill when I was surprised by the maid who sneaked up behind me and inquired, "Master Gonen what kind of cake do you prefer?
She caught me unprepared. It was the first time, and I think also the last that anyone had ever called me Master Gonen. I, however, was not planning to eat any cake. I took a moment to recuperate and then responded, "Thank you, I do not eat cakes." The maid's words to me were the first words spoken in the coffee room, and after my answer was emitted the silence turned into a deep silence. The air stopped moving, and I am sure that even the cakes took it as a personal insult.
"I am sorry madam, nothing is wrong with the cakes. I merely do not eat anything sweet." I said, answering the question that Meir's mother had not yet even asked. Though questions quickly followed:
"Not even a chocolate?"
“Not even a chocolate madam," was my answer.
"But you must eat sugar," she said “it's good for your health."
I knew for sure, that this coffee party was not going to be my cup of tea, and the worst had yet to come.
It was the time now for the ceremony of sweetening the coffee. On the table over the snow white starched linen table cloth rested two lidded jars full of sugar cubes. As I watched the people around the table I wondered how was it possible to make a simple coffee drink so complicated.
Each one in turn (according to hierarchy) removed the lid from the sugar jar and held it in their left hand, then with their right hand they picked up the specially provided silver tongs.
Now, to pick up a sugar cube is a skill of competence, experience and long training. One should figure out beforehand, which one of the cubes should be picked up. It must be the one cube that once removed will not disturb the peaceful rest of the other cubes, or cause them to move, or make noise or tragically damage any of them ‘God forbid’.
Now the tongs had to grip the cube at the very end because it was absolutely forbidden to wet the tongs whilst dropping the sugar into the coffee. OOPS, did I say dropping? Pardon my language, dropping is an obscene word I think ‘launching’ would be a more appropriate word or perhaps ‘inserting’. This is an operation which definitely requires fine motor skills, which are probably not yet developed in a person under the age of twelve. Meir's brother was not allowed to sweeten the coffee himself, hence the maid had to do it.
There should be no splash while the cube is inserted, and absolutely no waves, not to mention any noise. And this is not all, after the sugar is in, there must be a certain pause. One must give time for the sugar cube to break before commencing to stir. If enough time is not given, the sugar cube might clink once or twice on the side of the Rosenthal, an inconceivable offence. On the other hand, if you do not take any chances and you give it a little extra time, you will immediately observe a few raised eyebrows, as you are slowing down the others, and the coffee might get cold.
Now to the stirring itself, yet another pre-calculated motion: The spoon was held between the thumb and the index finger in a vertical position with the rest of the fingers spread apart and kept as far away as possible from the coffee. The next and final maneuver is the stirring action: three or four consecutive turns. At no phase of this stage should the spoon touch any part of the cup.
You should try doing the next performance in sequence: Firstly, lift a full cup of coffee and put it back on the saucer without making any noise. Secondly, try to drink the coffee with closed tight lips, without releasing any sipping sound. Lastly, try to eat a cake and talk with the same closed mouth. If you manage to do it right, you will be qualified to have coffee with the Besserkopffs.
As you have probably guessed, there was nothing for me in drinking sweetened coffee, there was really no reason for me to worry about the delicate skill and precise procedure of launching sugar in my coffee, or stirring without a rustle. I felt confident in my prowess. However, I was not aware that Meir's family used the coffee procedure as criteria for assessing the level of manners a person had. In fact, they wanted to compare me to Meir. To get positive reinforcement that he was reared better.
The moment they acknowledged that I did not use the tongs and the spoon they felt they had lost strategic ground. I felt the growing tension but did not contemplate for even one second starting to use sugar for the sake of the Besserkopffs.
The first to speak was Meir's mother who said: "You may put sugar in your coffee!" As she was addressing me I had to answer. "Thank you madam, I think I'll have my coffee without sugar". This statement rendered everyone speechless. To me it felt like the quiet gathering of the clouds before the storm. I felt sorry for Meir who didn't know what to do and may have had some regrets for having invited me.
Suddenly, the uncle dared to talk to nobody in particular. Although it was none of his business, and he was not in charge of my education, he felt his input may be important. So he spoke into the air. (The term transmitting blind’ is very descriptive.) “Sugar is a very important element of nutrition. Pilots take chocolate as an immediate source of energy before going into combat." As the uncle had not spoken directly to me, I did not feel I needed to respond.
Although I was ready for almost anything I was suddenly taken by surprise. I could not imagine that the master of all masters, the closest mortal to the creator - Mr. Besserkopff would be interested in my coffee drinking but he was. Mr. Besserkopff picked up a fork and clinked on his cup of coffee to draw everybody's attention and started to talk. I was very surprised to hear his voice as I had never heard it before, it sounded as if the voice did not belong to anybody and was coming from outer space. He spoke for some time before I started to listen to what he was talking about.
Our ancestors were gatherers. They collected grains and their body's had to work hard to separate the roughage from the carbohydrates. Their body had to work once again to break the carbohydrates into sugar, which is the only form of energy the human body can use. This is a very inefficient process which causes a negative balance of energy. It doesn’t leave much energy to make the body grow. Today, thanks to an Englishman in Brazil who invented the process of sugar distillation we now have the purest form of energy ever found. The very same man even used pure sugar as a medicine to cure his sick wife. Today the body does not waste energy processing the sugar, so we are taller, stronger, and we live longer.
I was half listening and half thinking “I’ve got to get out of this place, but how?” I could not just get up and walk I had to do something for Meir who I had never seen looking so down before.
Mr. Besserkopff was not finished; he kept talking about Meir and how healthy, and tall he was. He emphasized the fact that Meir was never sick with any children’s diseases. Meir looked miserable, and I was becoming more and more uncomfortable. I tried very hard to come up with an exit plan for Meir and myself.
It came to me like a divine light, like a board to a drowning sailor. I stood up and said, "I am sorry but I have to wash my hands". These were the best winning words I had ever used. It was like sticking the dagger into the bull's heart, the final knockout. I was on their ground and I had used their very own weapon, for a blow under the belt. I knew very well that nobody would question what exactly I needed to do, or what had made my hands dirty. I also knew that Meir would come after me, but I did not want to take any chances so I rushed to the bathroom and locked myself in. Twenty minutes later I came out very quietly to find Meir peeping through his door, with the maid on standby to destroy all the evidence and to disinfect the bathroom. Meir smuggled me safely out of the house.
Epilogue
"Hoch Kaffe" stands for the coffee people in Germany drink at five o'clock, at the "high part” of the day. The Englishman who discovered how to distil the sugar was a real person. He was sure he had found the ultimate pure food. What Meir's father forgot to tell me though, was that the very same Englishman killed his wife by feeding her only sugar for three months. Meir himself, brought back to life, some children’s’ illnesses that had already long been forgotten. He was sick for three years, virtually non-stop, during his army service. He contracted all of the children’s diseases he had been deprived of as a child. They came along with all of the possible textbook complications.
Unfortunately, I never had Hoch Kaffe again. I was banned from the house of the civilized people.
The End
Saturday, April 4, 2009
The late David Shapiro
The late David Shapiro
Hagai Cohen
.
.
One afternoon, in the middle of May, when I was a tenth-grader, I was on my way to play ball. As I turned right, at the end of the block, I ran into Yankel, our local billboard-man, doing his job pasting a poster. I froze, no citizen, ever dared to get within ten feet of Yankel or his equipment, and for good reason.
Clumsy Yankel pasted his posters vigorously and as a result, many droplets of glue scattered on innocent passersby. In addition, he stuttered, and while stuttering, he spattered tiny fragments of his last meal over a large radius.
He always wore the same glue-reinforced, skunk-repellant, ripened, moldy overalls, which could make a great scarecrow without necessitating stuffing.
I was distraught to be that close to Yankel. My first instinct was to run away, as fast as I could, instead I looked up at him and said “Hi, Yankel! What happened to your bicycle?”
Yankel was never without his bicycle. He was always seen pushing it along loaded with two big buckets, one with water and one with paste, a brush on a long stick, and of course the rolls of posters.
“My bicycle is bbbbb..broken” he stammered out a shower of saliva “and the pppp..posters are urgent.”
“What is so urgent about the posters?” I asked.
“I do not know," said Yankel. "I cannot read.”
Out of pure curiosity, I turned to read the poster. In archaic language, it proclaimed:
Important Notice
“The coffin of the righteous Rabbi David Shapiro has arrived. The funeral will come to pass on Wednesday at three o’clock in the afternoon.”
The poster requested the people of the congregation to pay their respects to the prominent scholar, the honorable, virtuous man who had been buried for many years in Europe and was finally being brought to eternal rest in the Holy Land.
Coincidentally, David Shapiro was also the name of my very-much-alive high school principle, whom I hated. I would have done anything to drive him berserk.
Within moments an idea had formed in my vengeful mind. I was sure that the posters would have just the right affect on our volatile principle!
I offered Yankel my help, which he accepted happily, and instantaneously became his apprentice.
My job was to carry the posters and walk behind the master from one billboard to the next. Yankle gave me ‘on the job training’. He placed his face inches from mine and started talking.
Unfortunately, the time that it took him to finish a sentence was enough to spray me with a substantial quantity of his natural fluids. If that were not enough, my biggest worry was to be seen by my friends - a situation sure to end my social life forever. Much was at stake. I walked behind Yankel, a great sacrifice on my part, in order to steal some posters. The thought of Mr. Shapiro's wrath made the risk worth the sacrifice.
Each time Yankel was busy smearing his glue, I folded a poster and stashed it inside my shirt. After I had managed to secrete seven posters, I excused myself and rushed home.
I took a shower to get read of Yankel's leftovers, and dropped my clothes into the laundry hamper. Then I appropriated my Mom’s entire stock of starch, and made a bucket of nice smooth glue. Before darkness set, the posters were up on the school’s stonewalls.
Next morning, I was the first person to “discover” the posters. I stood in front of the school gates examining my handiwork and was both impressed and proud. The posters were well spaced and perfectly aligned with the school gate frames.
When the staff and students began to arrive, I was happy to see the impact of my deed upon them. What they saw was the name David Shapiro and the black frame. Nobody took the trouble to read it thoroughly. In no time at all, the news that the principle had passed away was all over the school.
Groups of crying students were to be seen everywhere, and many stunned people were too shocked to talk.
Later, when they saw David Shapiro, heavily sweating, red-faced, red-necked, and redheaded, wandering about alive, they screamed with fear. The principle David Shapiro, to my great satisfaction, looked extremely unhappy.
“A criminal act, carried out by delinquent children," was his pronouncement. "The people responsible will be caught and thrown out of our school.”
No classes were held that day. The teachers were told to run discussion sessions about the “criminal act,” one rotten apple in a barrel and so on. My English teacher suggested to the class it was more a practical joke than a criminal act, When the Principle heard of it, he almost crucified another Jew, in our very own schoolyard.
Initially, I was very pleased but as time passed, I became increasingly annoyed. Not from a guilty conscience, God forbid, only that I could not get the credit I deserved. I had given five hundred students the best show in town and could not even brag about it. The credit for the greatest practical joke of my life was given to virtual juvenile delinquents and imaginary hoodlums.
Ruth, a girl in my class, the smartest person I had ever met, had a unique ability. She was always a hundred miles and six months ahead of any other, including the teachers. She was some kind of psychic. She could predict what anybody would say, even before he or she opened their mouths. To her, I was transparent.
When she was about, I used my tongue fluently to camouflage my thoughts, with little success. I liked her, and was one of the few who did. Most of the boys and girls in my class were jealous and afraid of her.
I was very careful during the entire day to avoid any eye contact with Ruth. With only one short look into my eyes, she knew more than I wanted to reveal. It is not that I did not trust her, - she could be discreet, - but I was afraid of her blackmailing potential, and I did not want to play into her hands.
I had a very strong feeling that the leaders of the community would not leave righteous David Shapiro, alone. And again will call the congregation for the unveiling of the tombstone. Soon, I figured, there would be a new poster to alert the people.
There was nothing in the world I wanted more than that poster. It was not an easy job. My evening ritual was to visit Moishe’s printing shop, from where Yankel had obtained the posters. Well, not exactly the shop, but Moishe’s back yard and his dumpster in particular. When a new typeset is arranged on the printing press, the first ten printouts have poor impressions until the ink smears evenly on the rollers. Usually, these are discarded. I wanted very much to find them.
My daily sessions in the garbage bins continued for three weeks. Finally, I had what I was looking for, in my hands:
“The unveiling of the tombstone of the righteous David Shapiro…”
From the ten first prints, six were good enough for my purpose and, that same evening, they were proudly displayed on top of the remains of the old posters.
The next morning, the principle Mr. David Shapiro was ready for violence. The color of his face was somewhere in between purple and blue and his general posture was of a rabid, hydrophobic creature. This time Mr. David Shapiro meant business. He hired an investigating team: a psychologist, a criminologist, and a retired detective. With the active help of Mr. David Shapiro the profile of the alleged criminal was drawn, the P.T.A was informed and the interrogation began.
The desire of Mr. Shapiro to make it look like a colossal crime, influenced the ‘profile’. The person matching this profile could only be someone, with a mile long criminal record, who would have to be serving a life sentence for a triple murder. No one I know could match that profile, I felt secure.
The investigating team was very efficient and very soon found Moishe the printer. Moishe was brought to school to identify his posters. “Yes they are mine,” said Moishe “But they were taken from the garbage” and than added “anybody could do it, talk to Yankel maybe he knows something.” They called Yankel, they sent a taxi to bring him to school, but the cabbie did not let him in the cab. He came with an escort on a bus. Yankel was puzzled, he had difficulties understanding the purpose of the interrogation. When he tried to talk he could not finish a single tangible sentence. Yankel was pathetic.
The investigating team aghast, and disappointed with Yankel’s performance and looks, decided to stop perusing the printer’s angle, to my great relief. . If the investigators only tried to cross match students' addresses with Moishe’s neighborhood they would easily find me. Only ten students of our school lived in my neighborhood.
My source of information was the school janitor. This friendly man, who was constantly bullied by Shapiro, liked me because I hated Shapiro
By the fourth day, it was my turn to face the music. It was already known that the team was tired and the interrogation had become a fiasco.
I was standing by the door waiting to be called in, when I heard my teacher briefing the team: “His father is in hospital; his mother is pregnant, he is working in the evenings to support his family, and doing OK in school, definitely not our person”. My interrogation lasted less than thirty seconds and not a single question was asked about the posters.
During the days of the investigation, Ruth was aggressively campaigning, against the principle and the interrogating crew.
“This is pure discrimination” she protested, “Why isn’t the team interrogating girls?” She complained, “How come the girls are automatically not suspects?” To anyone listening to Ruth's arguments, it was obvious that she was genuinely angry. Although she was fighting sincerely for her ideas, Ruth attracted only laughs. Nobody took her seriously. Part of me wanted to support her, not because I believed in her cause, but as way to create more chaos. The other part told me to stay away and to be more careful.
Unfortunately, for the principle, the investigation ended a few weeks before the end of the year, without any results, The coffin incident was slowly forgotten. We the students were anxiously waiting for the last day of school, for the graduation ceremony, for the report cards, for the parties, and for the summer vacation.
On the morning of the last day of school, an unfortunate event spoiled the last day tradition. Shapiro cancelled the entire last day events and sent us home. Shapiro’s anger was attributed to the huge graffiti in black paint displayed on the white stones, which said:
Now that Shapiro’s remains are interred here, when can we expect the resurrection?
For me personally, this was extremely annoying, I wanted to kill that idiot, scoundrel son-of-a-bitch, who took a free ride on my idea. Suddenly it struck me like lightening, only one person could pull a stunt like this, I was sure it’s her, Ruth, the bitch. I was furious.
Without thinking twice I ran upstairs, three stairs at a time. I stopped short of Ruth and looked directly into her eyes with an arrogant smirk on my face. It was my triumph, she was caught, and she knew it.
Ruth did not waste any time. Apathetically, she looked back at me for one second, and then walked away without saying a word. The look in her eyes said it all. She had caught me too. Damn, how stupid of me.
As she contemptuously walked away, I felt dizzy and almost lost my balance. Against all odds, at that instant, I fell in love with her. Sadly, it was a waste of a great emotion. She was unreachable. The wall between us, which I had built with my arrogance, was there to stay. Our mutual secret respect and admiration could not eradicate the profound mutual intimidation and the balanced exchange of nuclear deterrent..
The end
Hagai Cohen
.
.
One afternoon, in the middle of May, when I was a tenth-grader, I was on my way to play ball. As I turned right, at the end of the block, I ran into Yankel, our local billboard-man, doing his job pasting a poster. I froze, no citizen, ever dared to get within ten feet of Yankel or his equipment, and for good reason.
Clumsy Yankel pasted his posters vigorously and as a result, many droplets of glue scattered on innocent passersby. In addition, he stuttered, and while stuttering, he spattered tiny fragments of his last meal over a large radius.
He always wore the same glue-reinforced, skunk-repellant, ripened, moldy overalls, which could make a great scarecrow without necessitating stuffing.
I was distraught to be that close to Yankel. My first instinct was to run away, as fast as I could, instead I looked up at him and said “Hi, Yankel! What happened to your bicycle?”
Yankel was never without his bicycle. He was always seen pushing it along loaded with two big buckets, one with water and one with paste, a brush on a long stick, and of course the rolls of posters.
“My bicycle is bbbbb..broken” he stammered out a shower of saliva “and the pppp..posters are urgent.”
“What is so urgent about the posters?” I asked.
“I do not know," said Yankel. "I cannot read.”
Out of pure curiosity, I turned to read the poster. In archaic language, it proclaimed:
Important Notice
“The coffin of the righteous Rabbi David Shapiro has arrived. The funeral will come to pass on Wednesday at three o’clock in the afternoon.”
The poster requested the people of the congregation to pay their respects to the prominent scholar, the honorable, virtuous man who had been buried for many years in Europe and was finally being brought to eternal rest in the Holy Land.
Coincidentally, David Shapiro was also the name of my very-much-alive high school principle, whom I hated. I would have done anything to drive him berserk.
Within moments an idea had formed in my vengeful mind. I was sure that the posters would have just the right affect on our volatile principle!
I offered Yankel my help, which he accepted happily, and instantaneously became his apprentice.
My job was to carry the posters and walk behind the master from one billboard to the next. Yankle gave me ‘on the job training’. He placed his face inches from mine and started talking.
Unfortunately, the time that it took him to finish a sentence was enough to spray me with a substantial quantity of his natural fluids. If that were not enough, my biggest worry was to be seen by my friends - a situation sure to end my social life forever. Much was at stake. I walked behind Yankel, a great sacrifice on my part, in order to steal some posters. The thought of Mr. Shapiro's wrath made the risk worth the sacrifice.
Each time Yankel was busy smearing his glue, I folded a poster and stashed it inside my shirt. After I had managed to secrete seven posters, I excused myself and rushed home.
I took a shower to get read of Yankel's leftovers, and dropped my clothes into the laundry hamper. Then I appropriated my Mom’s entire stock of starch, and made a bucket of nice smooth glue. Before darkness set, the posters were up on the school’s stonewalls.
Next morning, I was the first person to “discover” the posters. I stood in front of the school gates examining my handiwork and was both impressed and proud. The posters were well spaced and perfectly aligned with the school gate frames.
When the staff and students began to arrive, I was happy to see the impact of my deed upon them. What they saw was the name David Shapiro and the black frame. Nobody took the trouble to read it thoroughly. In no time at all, the news that the principle had passed away was all over the school.
Groups of crying students were to be seen everywhere, and many stunned people were too shocked to talk.
Later, when they saw David Shapiro, heavily sweating, red-faced, red-necked, and redheaded, wandering about alive, they screamed with fear. The principle David Shapiro, to my great satisfaction, looked extremely unhappy.
“A criminal act, carried out by delinquent children," was his pronouncement. "The people responsible will be caught and thrown out of our school.”
No classes were held that day. The teachers were told to run discussion sessions about the “criminal act,” one rotten apple in a barrel and so on. My English teacher suggested to the class it was more a practical joke than a criminal act, When the Principle heard of it, he almost crucified another Jew, in our very own schoolyard.
Initially, I was very pleased but as time passed, I became increasingly annoyed. Not from a guilty conscience, God forbid, only that I could not get the credit I deserved. I had given five hundred students the best show in town and could not even brag about it. The credit for the greatest practical joke of my life was given to virtual juvenile delinquents and imaginary hoodlums.
Ruth, a girl in my class, the smartest person I had ever met, had a unique ability. She was always a hundred miles and six months ahead of any other, including the teachers. She was some kind of psychic. She could predict what anybody would say, even before he or she opened their mouths. To her, I was transparent.
When she was about, I used my tongue fluently to camouflage my thoughts, with little success. I liked her, and was one of the few who did. Most of the boys and girls in my class were jealous and afraid of her.
I was very careful during the entire day to avoid any eye contact with Ruth. With only one short look into my eyes, she knew more than I wanted to reveal. It is not that I did not trust her, - she could be discreet, - but I was afraid of her blackmailing potential, and I did not want to play into her hands.
I had a very strong feeling that the leaders of the community would not leave righteous David Shapiro, alone. And again will call the congregation for the unveiling of the tombstone. Soon, I figured, there would be a new poster to alert the people.
There was nothing in the world I wanted more than that poster. It was not an easy job. My evening ritual was to visit Moishe’s printing shop, from where Yankel had obtained the posters. Well, not exactly the shop, but Moishe’s back yard and his dumpster in particular. When a new typeset is arranged on the printing press, the first ten printouts have poor impressions until the ink smears evenly on the rollers. Usually, these are discarded. I wanted very much to find them.
My daily sessions in the garbage bins continued for three weeks. Finally, I had what I was looking for, in my hands:
“The unveiling of the tombstone of the righteous David Shapiro…”
From the ten first prints, six were good enough for my purpose and, that same evening, they were proudly displayed on top of the remains of the old posters.
The next morning, the principle Mr. David Shapiro was ready for violence. The color of his face was somewhere in between purple and blue and his general posture was of a rabid, hydrophobic creature. This time Mr. David Shapiro meant business. He hired an investigating team: a psychologist, a criminologist, and a retired detective. With the active help of Mr. David Shapiro the profile of the alleged criminal was drawn, the P.T.A was informed and the interrogation began.
The desire of Mr. Shapiro to make it look like a colossal crime, influenced the ‘profile’. The person matching this profile could only be someone, with a mile long criminal record, who would have to be serving a life sentence for a triple murder. No one I know could match that profile, I felt secure.
The investigating team was very efficient and very soon found Moishe the printer. Moishe was brought to school to identify his posters. “Yes they are mine,” said Moishe “But they were taken from the garbage” and than added “anybody could do it, talk to Yankel maybe he knows something.” They called Yankel, they sent a taxi to bring him to school, but the cabbie did not let him in the cab. He came with an escort on a bus. Yankel was puzzled, he had difficulties understanding the purpose of the interrogation. When he tried to talk he could not finish a single tangible sentence. Yankel was pathetic.
The investigating team aghast, and disappointed with Yankel’s performance and looks, decided to stop perusing the printer’s angle, to my great relief. . If the investigators only tried to cross match students' addresses with Moishe’s neighborhood they would easily find me. Only ten students of our school lived in my neighborhood.
My source of information was the school janitor. This friendly man, who was constantly bullied by Shapiro, liked me because I hated Shapiro
By the fourth day, it was my turn to face the music. It was already known that the team was tired and the interrogation had become a fiasco.
I was standing by the door waiting to be called in, when I heard my teacher briefing the team: “His father is in hospital; his mother is pregnant, he is working in the evenings to support his family, and doing OK in school, definitely not our person”. My interrogation lasted less than thirty seconds and not a single question was asked about the posters.
During the days of the investigation, Ruth was aggressively campaigning, against the principle and the interrogating crew.
“This is pure discrimination” she protested, “Why isn’t the team interrogating girls?” She complained, “How come the girls are automatically not suspects?” To anyone listening to Ruth's arguments, it was obvious that she was genuinely angry. Although she was fighting sincerely for her ideas, Ruth attracted only laughs. Nobody took her seriously. Part of me wanted to support her, not because I believed in her cause, but as way to create more chaos. The other part told me to stay away and to be more careful.
Unfortunately, for the principle, the investigation ended a few weeks before the end of the year, without any results, The coffin incident was slowly forgotten. We the students were anxiously waiting for the last day of school, for the graduation ceremony, for the report cards, for the parties, and for the summer vacation.
On the morning of the last day of school, an unfortunate event spoiled the last day tradition. Shapiro cancelled the entire last day events and sent us home. Shapiro’s anger was attributed to the huge graffiti in black paint displayed on the white stones, which said:
Now that Shapiro’s remains are interred here, when can we expect the resurrection?
For me personally, this was extremely annoying, I wanted to kill that idiot, scoundrel son-of-a-bitch, who took a free ride on my idea. Suddenly it struck me like lightening, only one person could pull a stunt like this, I was sure it’s her, Ruth, the bitch. I was furious.
Without thinking twice I ran upstairs, three stairs at a time. I stopped short of Ruth and looked directly into her eyes with an arrogant smirk on my face. It was my triumph, she was caught, and she knew it.
Ruth did not waste any time. Apathetically, she looked back at me for one second, and then walked away without saying a word. The look in her eyes said it all. She had caught me too. Damn, how stupid of me.
As she contemptuously walked away, I felt dizzy and almost lost my balance. Against all odds, at that instant, I fell in love with her. Sadly, it was a waste of a great emotion. She was unreachable. The wall between us, which I had built with my arrogance, was there to stay. Our mutual secret respect and admiration could not eradicate the profound mutual intimidation and the balanced exchange of nuclear deterrent..
The end
Friday, January 30, 2009
Femina Horibillis
Hagai Cohen
Mrs. Ruth Timmons 1996.
Mrs. Ruth Timmons, the museum curator, conducted the grand opening ceremony of the children’s museum. Thirty years earlier, she and I had worked for the same airline. I introduced myself, shook her hand, and expressed my admiration and appreciation. My name did not seem to stir any memories for her, so I said, “Do you remember me Mrs. Timmons?”
“No,” she said. “Am I supposed to know you?”
“We had a common friend.”
“And who might that be?”
“Last I know, she was called Angie,” I said.
The woman became as white as if she had taken a chlorine bath.
“I'm sorry,” she stammered, "I don’t recall any person of that name. You… you must be mistaken. And, what did you say your name was, sir? Sorry, I was preoccupied, I did not pay attention. I…I…”
“Look, Ruth,” I said, “I’m not the enemy.” To refresh her memory, I said, “We had dinner together when you told me about Robbie’s boat.”
“I was afraid it was you,” she said. “Please wait for me at the bar. I’ll join you in a few moments. I Just hear the sound of her name and I need a drink.”
While I waited, I reviewed the last thirty years since that dinner Ruth and I had had together.
Amos 1967
Angie was with my friend Amos when I met her for the first time, shortly after Amos divorced his wife of five years. They lived in a rented apartment.
I had not seen much of Amos during the years he was married. His crabby wife did not like me. As I had no idea Amos was divorced, I was surprised to find his note inviting me for dinner. “To introduce you to my girlfriend and to ask you a favor,” said the note. The favor was to prepare him and three more friends for a government 'air transport rating' test, necessary to qualify as an airline pilot, to which I agreed.
The dinner was excellent and the company exceptional. I was especially impressed with Angie; a surprisingly pleasant and well-composed person: twenty-three years old, intelligent, even-tempered, with the face of an innocent child and a smile capable of melting a stone. She was educated, an excellent cook and most important, loved Amos. Angie impressed me also with her unique bone structure and posture: straight, like a ballet dancer, without any rigidity. Her graceful movements radiated nobility. She was full of energy and charm.
“We are planning to marry as soon as our house is ready,” Angie confided. With coffee, Angie showed me the floor plan of the house they were building. “This room is for Amos’ three years old son, when he comes to visit. I already have lots of toys for him,” she said. Looking at her, I thought Amos is extremely lucky. He deserves a woman like Angie after the miserable years with his ex-wife.
We needed a few days to prepare for the course so we started intensive study four times a week at his apartment. A nice surprise awaited me as I walked in for our first session. As Angie was a cabin attendant, she always returned from her flights with colorful products: pink smoked fish from Scotland, white bratwurst from Switzerland, green wine from Portugal, black fish-eggs from Iran, purple berries, blue cheese, red salami and more. Angie set the colorful collection of products on the buffet table and left.
Angie also brought trappings for the house; kitchen gadgets, various appliances, works of art or pieces of furniture. She had good taste and decorated the apartment with a comfortable blend of modern and old. She seemed dedicated to making a pleasant home. An impressive oil painting appeared on the wall. I congratulated her on her choice. At another time, an ugly Pekinese pup yapped at me as I entered. “With a pedigree from Noah’s ark,” they bragged.
None of this interfered with our studies and Amos and friends passed the exam. Angie and Amos were so delighted they decided to throw a party for the group. The charming people and the lovely atmosphere made me propose a toast: “I am lucky to have met this handsome, loving couple,” I pronounced. “Amos deserves this affectionate, sweet and very classy lady. Theirs is a match truly made in heaven. May heaven keep them prosperous and happy. Good luck to you both. Enjoy your life together, and be happy forever."
Angie’s eyes filled with tears when she warmly hugged and kissed me Numerous times, wiping her tears with several tissues, she said, “Thank you, thank you, Yacov.”
Captain Avery Bonnelle 1968.
One evening, a few months later, I was sitting in the lobby of the Royal Monceau in Paris, waiting for a crew member who might want to join me for dinner. I was stationed in Paris for a month on a special teaching assignment. I observed Captain Avery Bonnelle walking towards me. Captain Bonnelle was famous in our company. He was a short man but laden with self-importance. Captain Avery Bonnelle demanded to be addressed with his title. Some said with acid humor, his wife was the only one allowed to call him Avery, and that “only on weekends.” Captain Avery Bonnelle was way above my league in his wardrobe, women, restaurants, cars, and friends. I could not afford even the shoes he was wearing. If he invited me to dine with him, I would need a home equity loan to pay for my share of the meal. Looking very elegant, he walked toward me so I stood up to greet him. I searched for an excuse to decline his expected invitation. To my relief, I learned he was waiting for a date.
When his dinner companion approached, you can imagine my surprise to see none other then Angie. She looked very handsome in an elegant and most becoming evening gown. She had just emerged from the beauty parlor. Her hair was done perfectly in a new style, and she exuded an expensive and alluring fragrance. A double strand pearl necklace adorned her neck. They glittered even in the lobby’s dim lighting. She was absolutely gorgeous, but also strange and distant, a different person from the one I had met with Amos. Even her word selection was different. I lost the use of my tongue and just looked upon her open-mouthed. Angie did not seem the least bit upset or embarrassed by my presence. “Ah, Mister Golan,” she said, “what brings you to Paris?” Had she forgotten my first name? I began to stutter a reply but she looked at me with an air of superiority as if to say, “Don’t bother, nobody cares.” Her posture, her expression and her body language, all expressed contempt. She muted me.
“We don’t want to be late for Maxim’s, do we?” she said to Bonnelle. She took his arm and yanked him away from me. I watched them walk to the hotel exit. With her three inch high heels, Angie was seven inches taller than Captain Avery Bonnelle. Bonnelle walked in a strange manner. Hard to tell if it was a swagger or a kind of tip-toeing. He stretched his neck in a desperate attempt to look taller.
The fact she went to dine with Captain Avery Bonnelle did not bother me. I had seen similar things in my experience. What was troubling was the alarming change in her character. And how did Amos fit in? Had she left him or was she simply unfaithful?
Captain Bonnelle and his crew left the next morning. A new crew came in – and the daily round began. I forgot about Angie and Bonnelle.
Robbie 1969
Two weeks later, still in Paris, I was on my way to the usual meeting place in the lobby when I spotted Captain Robert Taylor sitting at the bar. He called me over to join him for a drink. Captain Taylor, unlike Captain Bonnelle, insisted on being called Robbie. He was different in other ways too. He was kind and friendly. He was ever ready to help, respected all, and was a natural gentleman. He was two drinks ahead and ready for his third when I sat next to him.
“Am I glad I met you,” he said. “I need help with the auto-pilot I installed on my yacht. It doesn't maintain the course. I think it needs adjustment but I don't know how to do it.”
Robbie built the yacht in his back yard and had launched it a year earlier. It was a 60-foot Catamaran. Numerous times during its construction, Robbie asked for my help, which I gave happily. The boat was always the main topic of our conversations. “Come for a beer one day and help me with the rigging,” said Robbie.
“Sure,” I answered.
Robbie was known also for heavy drinking. “He knows how to drink" or "He can hold a drink better than anybody else,” was the admiring consensus. To me it did not seem a great virtue. I had more respect for people who knew how not to drink. But Robbie was Robbie, and I liked him anyway. I told him once that, in his previous life, he must have been a pirate who had died young of scurvy. “You’re making up for the lost drinking years and the lime you put in your vodka is a subconscious desire to prevent scurvy.”
Robbie was a playboy, handsome and sensual. “He has a long line of women waiting to park their shoes under his bed,” a knowledgeable woman once told me. The line was long but sometimes it got thick, and the number of shoes parked under Robbie’s bed was not two but four, six and even eight, unless one shoe was drowned in the punch bowl.
Robbie was also a good storyteller and one of his stories became relevant to the current events. He started with his typical opening.
“The other day I took a woman to Roger les Grenouilles, a restaurant in the Quartier Latin, renowned for its frog legs and its erotic atmosphere. They sure crippled many frogs for us. We emptied a few carafes, joined a sing-along with the guests, and had a great time. My companion decided she needed better exposure so she climbed onto the table, removed her shirt and proceeded to twist topless to the music. I thought it would be a good idea to join her, so I removed my shirt and joined her on the table. The owners, far from objecting, encouraged this behavior. While gyrating, I picked up a carafe to drink. Unfortunately, the carafe was empty. Still holding the empty carafe, I went for my belt, as it was too tight. The owner got the wrong impression and, in less than two seconds, some waitresses took my lady friend and me down. They led us directly to the bar where they served us ‘just un petit verre, pour la route,’ meaning this cognac is on the house and you’d better be on your way immediately. We drank the cognac, and, very drunk, got into a cab.
“At the hotel, the first room we fell into was mine. I cannot remember what happened during the night, but when I awoke the next morning, I was lying on my side at the edge of the bed with an unbelievable hangover. Through bleary eyes, I saw a naked woman’s rump within easy reach, legs and all, but I could see no torso. For the first time in my life, I was scared. ‘So this is what they do to sinners,’ I said to myself for I was sure I had arrived in hell. ‘They cut us into two halves, and let each wander in space desperately searching for the other.’ I was on the verge of tears. ‘I guess I deserve it,’ I thought.
“I tried to get out of bed, but I could not move. I was now only the top of Robbie, the upper part of what used to be me. I was petrified for what seemed like an eternity, until the top half of the lady came up from over the side of the bed with some clothes in her hands and stood up. I began to laugh hysterically from the sheer relief of this discovery. The lady was certain I had lost my mind.”
Robbie’s story generated much comment. We wanted to know who the lady was, but Robbie was discrete, and never told. We took to calling the nameless woman “The Hangover Lady.”
While Robbie and I chatted over our drinks, a woman approached the bar. She looked somewhere between a bimbo and a whore. She had a bandana holding her hair, a knotted shirt lifting her breasts and cut-off jeans. She looked sexy, and provocative. Knowing Robbie, I was not surprised to see this cheap looking woman approach him. When she got closer, I was astonished to recognize Angie. I was about to say: “Well, Angie, do you plan to make some money at Place Pigalle, to cover the expenses at ‘chez Maxims?’ You must be deep in debt after that last supper.” But I did not have the courage. I leaned towards Robbie and whispered in his ear: “The Hangover Lady?”
Robbie, who had already done with his third drink, winked at me and said:“Affirmative.”
Angie not only looked different, she also assumed a completely new personality and, once again, a different style of speech. She said little but what she said was vulgar and unpleasant.
Robbie excused himself and went off with Angie. I remained at the bar, confused. I was preoccupied with thoughts about Angie the entire evening and for the last few days of my stay in Paris. Who are you Angie? The housewife, Mrs. Amos? Classy Baroness Bonnelle? Or Robbie's bimbo?
Back at home, a few weeks later, my eyes caught a headline in a lurid tabloid, which I bought for relaxation: “THE CAPTAIN, THE HOSTESS, THE TRAINEE PILOT AND THE DOG.” It related the story of a certain famous married Captain (no name) having an affair with a female cabin attendant (no name). The cabin attendant lives with a trainee pilot whom she plans to marry. They are building a house together. The married Captain, having difficulties seeing the hostess, buys her a Pekinese. While the trainee pilot walks the dog, the Captain sneaks in for a 'quickie.' Unidentified sources said the captain got a bargain at Georgio Armani fashion house where he bought a fancy designer evening gown for his playmate and a suit for himself. He bought her a pearl necklace at Stern’s and an oil painting at Sotheby.
I was impressed with the reporter’s research. During the sixties, every airline captain was a celebrity, especially Avery Bonnelle who was a journalist himself and made sure the jet era people would not be forgotten. It was a weird sensation to participate in the story as an outsider. I knew the people, I had seen the dress and the suit, admired the necklace and the painting, and even stroked the ugly dog. I had a strong urge to find out more about it. The person to talk to was Ruth, a cabin attendant who was both friendly with me, and a confidante of Angie.
Ruth 1968.
I kept the magazine handy in my flight bag until Ruth was assigned to my flight. She read the article twice and finally she said: “She'll be OK with Amos as long as more details are not exposed. ”
“What details?” I asked.
“I am sorry I can’t talk about it”
“Is it about Robbie?” I blurted. It was a fast draw, a bull’s eye.
“What do you know about Robbie?” She asked, frightened.
“A dinner with a nice bottle of wine and an exchange of information - treat on me,” I said.
She accepted reluctantly.
“Ok,” I said to her after the wine, “what's missing in the story?”
She took a long breath. “You know Robbie has a boat?” she started.
“Yes I know.”
“Do you have any idea what goes on aboard the boat?"
“If I know Robbie, it is an unending party,” I said.
“Yes,” she agreed. “But it's unique.”
“What do you mean?"
“Sex.”
“Sounds like Robbie.”
“No, you don't understand. It's not Robbie, it's Angie.”
“What do you mean, Robbie’s boat, and Robbie doesn't know?"
“He doesn't know. Robbie lets Angie use the parked boat when he's away on flights. She runs sex parties.”
“So what’s wrong with that?
“Orgies.”
“Yes, I heard rumors about it too.”
“She films the action.”
“Maybe she wants to improve her technique,” I suggested.
“You dumb-head,” she almost screamed. “She makes porno movies.” People in the restaurant were looking at us.
I couldn't believe my ears. “I don’t understand. Are you suggesting Angie makes porno movies as a business?”
“I'm not suggesting.”
“Please explain.”
“Angie uses professional photographers and editors and then sells copies.”
“And who are the participants in the show?"
“None are professionals. She lures people like a siren and uses their weaknesses.”
“Do they know they are being filmed?"
“Yes. They wear masks and wigs, and makeup too hides a lot, but they have no idea about the commercial part of it.”
“Isn’t she afraid someone will spill the beans?"
“Angie keeps still photos of each one of the participants with the incriminating action at the background. Angie calls it ‘insurance.’ She is the brain, the director and the producer."
“Does she participate?”
“Sometimes, to break the ice and to encourage nervy people. It looks good on the screen when people move from being scared into giving a zesty performance.”
“Who pays for the booze, the food, and the rest of the expenses?”
“Angie - she runs the show.”
“Is she doing drugs?”
“No, no drugs; she doesn't even allow smoking.”
“How do you know so many details? Have you participated in the filming?”
“No, no, definitely not! I was invited once, just to look. That’s how Angie recruits new participants. First, it's just for fun. Then it’s the still photo with the action in the background. But I did not allow even that and, because I'm friendly with her, she did not press me too hard.”
“Do you know of any people who wanted out and she wouldn’t let them?”
“If there were any, I don't know about them. I think they could leave whenever they wanted. Her insurance was to keep them quiet, not to force them to participate.”
This story was heavy stuff. Ruth was nervous and troubled. “I'm afraid of Angie,” she said.
“Why?” I said.
“I'm engaged,” she said, “to a man who is one of the nominees for president of PASCAL INSTITUTION. Angie can jeopardize my marriage and ruin my fiancé's career. I have to play her game forever.”
Ruth had finally got rid of her excess baggage and left me holding it.
“What do you plan to do?” she asked. “Will you tell Robbie?”
“I think Robbie should know she is conducting illegal activities on his boat. I don't know how to tell him. I don't want to expose you as the informer and drag you into conflict with Angie. I’ll find a way,” I said, “and I am most sorry for Amos.”
Our appetite lost, we ate little and silently after that. It was not a pleasant evening.
Several events took place in the course of the coming weeks after the publication of the article in the newspaper. The house Amos and Angie were building was abandoned and the contractor was fired. Robbie found out about Angie’s activities on his boat but not through me. He moved his boat to a remote marina and told everybody it needed repairs. He was afraid a snoopy reporter would get to him. I believe he never sailed it again. I never got to fix his autopilot.
Captain Avery Bonnelle apparently stopped spending on Angie and with money to spare, his wife was seen driving a new red Mustang convertible.
Angie kept a low profile, took a long vacation and eventually resigned and was not seen in public any more.
Joe Bar-Shalit 1968
A group of new pilot recruits joined our company. It comprised young men from Argentina, Peru, Tunisia, England, America, and other countries. The pilot with the most impressive credentials in the group was the American, Joe Bar-Shalit. He was charismatic and spoke a perfect sophisticated English. He presented letters of recommendation from several chief pilots of well-known airlines. His logbook showed he had flown 5000 hours. He seemed eminently suitable for our airline.
“How come,” I asked him, “a clean-cut American boy with a Boston accent has such a Hebrew name?”
“Well,” said Joe, “my family is an old Spanish Jewish family, and we have kept this name since my ancestors left Spain at the time of the inquisition.”
“My family is also from Spain,” I said. “Maybe one day we can compare records, if you have any.”
“Sure, why not, we’ll do it after I finish my training.”
Joe Bar-Shalit did not do well in his training. He had difficulties handling the plane. His performance was not up to his credentials. In addition, although he passed ground school with high marks, his knowledge of aircraft systems was minimal. But Joe Bar-Shalit was a favorite of our chief pilot.
“This guy with his low pitch voice and his perfect professional language will teach the boys some basics,” said the chief pilot to me one day. “I want you to help me with Joe Bar-Shalit. He's a good man but overwhelmed by our big planes. He needs coaching. I want you to find out what his problem is, and try to help him.”
I wasn’t happy with the way I had ‘volunteered.’ I did not know how to help him or what his problem was. I paid him a visit. As I entered Joe’s living room, right in front of me, I saw the painting Bonnelle gave Angie hanging on the wall. “Joe,” I blurted, “is Angie your girl?"
“How do you know?” There was a hint of alarm in his voice.
“Well, I think I heard it from someone,” I prevaricated.
"Who told you? Who else knows about it?” Joe was very disturbed.
I felt as if I stepped on a mound of manure. Something was so wrong, it was weird. “Relax Joe, nobody told me. I just recognized the painting. I saw it when she bought it.”
“Look,” said Joe “it’s a delicate matter. We don’t want anybody to know about it. Publicity will not help her or me. She doesn't work for the company anymore and Bonnelle is one of my checkers.”
“Don't worry, Joe. Nobody will hear it from me.”
I was assigned to fly with Joe and his instructor and for two months, we flew together. During that time, we sat many long hours in hotel rooms and in restaurants, discussing his performance but his progress was slight. Unfortunately for Joe and despite our efforts, he did not make it and was fired after six months.
While in training, Joe behaved bizarrely every time we arrived in New York. After we parked at the gate, Joe would apologize he had to catch a train or make some other excuse, and there in the cockpit, change from his uniform into a suit - each time a different suit and each time a different hat. I did not see him again after he was fired nor did I ever see him with Angie. A year later, I had forgotten them. In the fast lane of airline life, new stories and new characters come marching in day-by-day.
Chuck 1969
One afternoon, I opened the door of my New York hotel room to a knock. Of the three men standing there, I knew one. He was Chuck, our New York chief security officer. The two others showed badges and said: “FBI. May we come in?”
“Sure," I said. “Come in.”
“We would like to ask you a few questions,” said one of them. “Do you know a man by the name of John Clark?”
“No. I don't.”
“We have reason to believe you do.”
“I'm sorry, I wish I could help you, but I really don't know anybody called John Clark.”
“You have been seen talking to him."
“Look gentlemen,” I said, a bit annoyed. “I talk to a lot of people I don't know. Maybe your man is one of them.”
One FBI man whispered to the other. He nodded, pulled an envelope from his vest pocket and showed me a photograph.
“Yes,” I said, “this is me and the guy is Joe Bar Shalit.” I was in uniform and Joe in plain clothes, dark glasses and hat covering his face.
“Repeat the name please.”
“Joe Bar Shalit.”
The man took a notebook out of his pocket. “How do you spell that?”
I told him.
“What can you tell us about him?”
I told them what I knew and when I mentioned he was a trainee pilot, our security officer turned white. He had had no idea. The FBI was looking for Joe, and found me because of my airline uniform. I was beginning to understand why Joe always changed on the airplane. Every one entering America is photographed. The FBI man pulled out another photo and asked: “Do you know who this is?”
It was Angie. She wore a business suit and held an attaché case. She was now a curly blonde and her hair framed her face very attractively, hiding most of it. I was beginning to feel insecure; the FBI was looking for Joe and Angie. I had no idea why, but if they found out I knew Angie, I’d be dragged deeper into the case. “No,” I said, “I have no idea who she is.”
“Well,” said the FBI man, “thank you so much for your help. We appreciate it. If you see any one of them, please give us a call.”
“What's the lady's name, in case I run into them?"
“Her name is Mariana Harper and she's from Memphis.”
Mariana Harper, my foot! I said to myself. How many more surprises do you carry in your bag, Angie?
Chuck, our security officer, stayed on after the FBI left. “Come,” said he, “I’ll buy you coffee and you'll fill me in.”
I gave Chuck a hard time for not checking out Joe Bar-Shalit earlier. “His name was suspicious enough to instigate a thorough check” I said.
Chuck told me Joe was a con man. “About two years ago he pretended he wanted to buy an airplane from a Texas Ranger. He took off for a ‘few circuits to check it out’ and flew the plane to Mexico, where he sold it and disappeared with $250000. Recently, Mariana appeared in Memphis at the same time as John Clark and the F.B.I. thinks they are together. Mariana is the only survivor of the Harper’s, a rich Memphis family. She went up north and nobody heard from her for years. She reappeared six months ago and hired a lawyer who filed a claim on the Harper’s inheritance. Before the case went to court, she sold the property to the lawyer handling the case for twenty five percent of its value. The deal seemed legitimate, but the FBI became suspicious when the money trail disappeared to a numbered account somewhere. The FBI thinks Clark is after her money. They are sure she is being used. They are desperate to warn her.” Now I began to doubt whether the blonde in the photograph was Angie. I decided not to tell Chuck a thing.
During the coming months, I met Chuck several times. At our last meeting, Chuck told me Joe-John had been caught but the woman Mariana, had disappeared into thin air.
Mrs. Ruth Timmons - 1975
Some years later, I got lucky. Ruth was a passenger on my flight. “Have you heard anything from Angie?” I asked, as if enquiring of an old friend.
“Did you know about her last boyfriend?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. “Joe Bar-Shalit.” Ruth looked much surprised and confused. “How do you know about it? It was a secret they kept from everybody and were careful not to be seen together.”
“Why?”
“Angie did not give me any reason at the time. Only, after he was arrested, she told me Joe was a criminal wanted by the FBI. He was using her and got her into trouble. For some reason they kept two separate apartments. When they came to get him, she was on the street. She saw the commotion and managed to escape. She drove to Mexico, then flew to Canada, returned to the States and finally bought a ticket to Australia.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You know, luck is always on her side,” she continued.
“Do I hear a trace of jealousy in your voice, Ruth?” I said.
“No,” she replied, “but whatever she wanted she got.”
“OK, tell me what makes her so lucky?”
Angie told me Joe left her broke; she said she bought the ticket to Australia with her last penny. But, as I said, she was lucky. On the long flight, the Pan Am First Officer fell in love with her; it was love at first sight. They got married five days later. He was stationed in Sydney for a year. After returning to the States, they bought a house in Seattle on Lake Washington and she gave birth to a girl.
“Are they still together?”
“Divorced; but he left her the house.”
“Look” I said to her, “this is an unbelievable story. With the FBI on her tail, how could she get in and out of the USA so many times without being caught?”
“You don't know anything about Angie do you?”
“What don’t I know?”
“Angie was never her name; it was only the name she chose to use.”
So she's not Angie and she's not Mariana, I was thinking, and probably she has many more names. Who the hell are you, Angie, or whatever your name is?
“Angie was one of identical twins. Liz was the other,” continued Ruth. They grew up without parents. Since they were very young, they discovered the power they possessed as twins. It started as small practical jokes and very quickly became ‘unethical’ to say the least. When they started to date, they swapped the boyfriends. At one time, they switched in the middle of dinner date and the lad could not believe the amount of food his date could eat. They pretended to be erratic and inconsistent so they could switch in the middle and continue with a new topic. Both of them were excellent actresses. They could assume any personality and pretend to be any character they chose.
One man, who dated one when they were nineteen, they tortured by switching while making love and exhausted him completely. They cruelly and viciously played with his emotions until he lost his mind. He wrote a suicide note planning to kill himself next to his girlfriend with a nail gun. He had tampered with the gun’s safety features to make sure it would work, but before he managed to shoot himself, the gun went off. The nail penetrated the girl’s forehead, between the eyes and killed her. The court decided the suicide note was a cover up for pre-meditated murder.
Was It Liz? Or was it Angie? Nobody knows as the remaining sister changed identities. The sisters used different family names before hand, to make their malicious game more affective. The one who called herself Angie ended up with two passports and two identification cards, which she used at will. With the death of her sister, she became amoral, dishonest, mean, and vicious. Although she claimed Bar-Shalit used her, I am sure she was using him. She found in him a partner but definitely outsmarted him. She used Amos, Captain Avery Bonnelle, Robbie, and probably many others as well.
Mrs. Ruth Timmons 1996
“Don’t mention Angie again,” was the first thing Mrs. Timmons said when she joined me at the bar. “I do not want to have anything to do with her. Her name gives me the creeps. Last time I heard from her was three years ago. She didn't tell me from where she was telephoning and I didn’t ask. She changed places without leaving a forwarding address. Every time I heard her voice, I thought it was a ransom call”
“What is she doing with her life?” I asked.
“Nothing. She takes care of her daughter.”
“Why is she on the run?”
“Joe was released from prison at 1983. Since then, he has been looking for her.”
“Why?”
“I believe,” said Ruth, carefully selecting the right words, “I believe, there is an unsettled financial dispute between them.”
“You mean she screwed him on the Memphis deal?”
“Yes, she took the stolen money and ran, but how do you know about Memphis?”
“Never mind.”
After a long pause, she said, “I don’t believe I am telling you this.”
“Telling me what?”
“About Angie.”
“Angie? Angie who? Never heard of any Angie,” I said and we both laughed.
-------------------------------------------------
Update
Amos married and is still with his wife, raising four children.
Captain Avery Bonnelle was not involved with any more scandals and is now in retirement. The vintage mustang was bought by an old car collector, only now it is white, not red.
One gusty, blustery, stormy night Robbie’s boat banged several times against the jetty. The damage was irreparable. Robbie collected the insurance, resigned, and lived on a boat in Spain for ten years. He died at the age of seventy-five. At his funeral, thirty-six years after the glorious Angie era, we recalled “the hangover lady” story and chuckled.
Joe Bar Shalit spent five years in a federal penitentiary during which he had to use his given name.
Ruth, the prominent lady, is today married to the president of a world-renowned research institution. She claims she never knew any person by the name of Angie.
Angie, if she ever existed, disappeared off the face of the earth.
The End
Mrs. Ruth Timmons 1996.
Mrs. Ruth Timmons, the museum curator, conducted the grand opening ceremony of the children’s museum. Thirty years earlier, she and I had worked for the same airline. I introduced myself, shook her hand, and expressed my admiration and appreciation. My name did not seem to stir any memories for her, so I said, “Do you remember me Mrs. Timmons?”
“No,” she said. “Am I supposed to know you?”
“We had a common friend.”
“And who might that be?”
“Last I know, she was called Angie,” I said.
The woman became as white as if she had taken a chlorine bath.
“I'm sorry,” she stammered, "I don’t recall any person of that name. You… you must be mistaken. And, what did you say your name was, sir? Sorry, I was preoccupied, I did not pay attention. I…I…”
“Look, Ruth,” I said, “I’m not the enemy.” To refresh her memory, I said, “We had dinner together when you told me about Robbie’s boat.”
“I was afraid it was you,” she said. “Please wait for me at the bar. I’ll join you in a few moments. I Just hear the sound of her name and I need a drink.”
While I waited, I reviewed the last thirty years since that dinner Ruth and I had had together.
Amos 1967
Angie was with my friend Amos when I met her for the first time, shortly after Amos divorced his wife of five years. They lived in a rented apartment.
I had not seen much of Amos during the years he was married. His crabby wife did not like me. As I had no idea Amos was divorced, I was surprised to find his note inviting me for dinner. “To introduce you to my girlfriend and to ask you a favor,” said the note. The favor was to prepare him and three more friends for a government 'air transport rating' test, necessary to qualify as an airline pilot, to which I agreed.
The dinner was excellent and the company exceptional. I was especially impressed with Angie; a surprisingly pleasant and well-composed person: twenty-three years old, intelligent, even-tempered, with the face of an innocent child and a smile capable of melting a stone. She was educated, an excellent cook and most important, loved Amos. Angie impressed me also with her unique bone structure and posture: straight, like a ballet dancer, without any rigidity. Her graceful movements radiated nobility. She was full of energy and charm.
“We are planning to marry as soon as our house is ready,” Angie confided. With coffee, Angie showed me the floor plan of the house they were building. “This room is for Amos’ three years old son, when he comes to visit. I already have lots of toys for him,” she said. Looking at her, I thought Amos is extremely lucky. He deserves a woman like Angie after the miserable years with his ex-wife.
We needed a few days to prepare for the course so we started intensive study four times a week at his apartment. A nice surprise awaited me as I walked in for our first session. As Angie was a cabin attendant, she always returned from her flights with colorful products: pink smoked fish from Scotland, white bratwurst from Switzerland, green wine from Portugal, black fish-eggs from Iran, purple berries, blue cheese, red salami and more. Angie set the colorful collection of products on the buffet table and left.
Angie also brought trappings for the house; kitchen gadgets, various appliances, works of art or pieces of furniture. She had good taste and decorated the apartment with a comfortable blend of modern and old. She seemed dedicated to making a pleasant home. An impressive oil painting appeared on the wall. I congratulated her on her choice. At another time, an ugly Pekinese pup yapped at me as I entered. “With a pedigree from Noah’s ark,” they bragged.
None of this interfered with our studies and Amos and friends passed the exam. Angie and Amos were so delighted they decided to throw a party for the group. The charming people and the lovely atmosphere made me propose a toast: “I am lucky to have met this handsome, loving couple,” I pronounced. “Amos deserves this affectionate, sweet and very classy lady. Theirs is a match truly made in heaven. May heaven keep them prosperous and happy. Good luck to you both. Enjoy your life together, and be happy forever."
Angie’s eyes filled with tears when she warmly hugged and kissed me Numerous times, wiping her tears with several tissues, she said, “Thank you, thank you, Yacov.”
Captain Avery Bonnelle 1968.
One evening, a few months later, I was sitting in the lobby of the Royal Monceau in Paris, waiting for a crew member who might want to join me for dinner. I was stationed in Paris for a month on a special teaching assignment. I observed Captain Avery Bonnelle walking towards me. Captain Bonnelle was famous in our company. He was a short man but laden with self-importance. Captain Avery Bonnelle demanded to be addressed with his title. Some said with acid humor, his wife was the only one allowed to call him Avery, and that “only on weekends.” Captain Avery Bonnelle was way above my league in his wardrobe, women, restaurants, cars, and friends. I could not afford even the shoes he was wearing. If he invited me to dine with him, I would need a home equity loan to pay for my share of the meal. Looking very elegant, he walked toward me so I stood up to greet him. I searched for an excuse to decline his expected invitation. To my relief, I learned he was waiting for a date.
When his dinner companion approached, you can imagine my surprise to see none other then Angie. She looked very handsome in an elegant and most becoming evening gown. She had just emerged from the beauty parlor. Her hair was done perfectly in a new style, and she exuded an expensive and alluring fragrance. A double strand pearl necklace adorned her neck. They glittered even in the lobby’s dim lighting. She was absolutely gorgeous, but also strange and distant, a different person from the one I had met with Amos. Even her word selection was different. I lost the use of my tongue and just looked upon her open-mouthed. Angie did not seem the least bit upset or embarrassed by my presence. “Ah, Mister Golan,” she said, “what brings you to Paris?” Had she forgotten my first name? I began to stutter a reply but she looked at me with an air of superiority as if to say, “Don’t bother, nobody cares.” Her posture, her expression and her body language, all expressed contempt. She muted me.
“We don’t want to be late for Maxim’s, do we?” she said to Bonnelle. She took his arm and yanked him away from me. I watched them walk to the hotel exit. With her three inch high heels, Angie was seven inches taller than Captain Avery Bonnelle. Bonnelle walked in a strange manner. Hard to tell if it was a swagger or a kind of tip-toeing. He stretched his neck in a desperate attempt to look taller.
The fact she went to dine with Captain Avery Bonnelle did not bother me. I had seen similar things in my experience. What was troubling was the alarming change in her character. And how did Amos fit in? Had she left him or was she simply unfaithful?
Captain Bonnelle and his crew left the next morning. A new crew came in – and the daily round began. I forgot about Angie and Bonnelle.
Robbie 1969
Two weeks later, still in Paris, I was on my way to the usual meeting place in the lobby when I spotted Captain Robert Taylor sitting at the bar. He called me over to join him for a drink. Captain Taylor, unlike Captain Bonnelle, insisted on being called Robbie. He was different in other ways too. He was kind and friendly. He was ever ready to help, respected all, and was a natural gentleman. He was two drinks ahead and ready for his third when I sat next to him.
“Am I glad I met you,” he said. “I need help with the auto-pilot I installed on my yacht. It doesn't maintain the course. I think it needs adjustment but I don't know how to do it.”
Robbie built the yacht in his back yard and had launched it a year earlier. It was a 60-foot Catamaran. Numerous times during its construction, Robbie asked for my help, which I gave happily. The boat was always the main topic of our conversations. “Come for a beer one day and help me with the rigging,” said Robbie.
“Sure,” I answered.
Robbie was known also for heavy drinking. “He knows how to drink" or "He can hold a drink better than anybody else,” was the admiring consensus. To me it did not seem a great virtue. I had more respect for people who knew how not to drink. But Robbie was Robbie, and I liked him anyway. I told him once that, in his previous life, he must have been a pirate who had died young of scurvy. “You’re making up for the lost drinking years and the lime you put in your vodka is a subconscious desire to prevent scurvy.”
Robbie was a playboy, handsome and sensual. “He has a long line of women waiting to park their shoes under his bed,” a knowledgeable woman once told me. The line was long but sometimes it got thick, and the number of shoes parked under Robbie’s bed was not two but four, six and even eight, unless one shoe was drowned in the punch bowl.
Robbie was also a good storyteller and one of his stories became relevant to the current events. He started with his typical opening.
“The other day I took a woman to Roger les Grenouilles, a restaurant in the Quartier Latin, renowned for its frog legs and its erotic atmosphere. They sure crippled many frogs for us. We emptied a few carafes, joined a sing-along with the guests, and had a great time. My companion decided she needed better exposure so she climbed onto the table, removed her shirt and proceeded to twist topless to the music. I thought it would be a good idea to join her, so I removed my shirt and joined her on the table. The owners, far from objecting, encouraged this behavior. While gyrating, I picked up a carafe to drink. Unfortunately, the carafe was empty. Still holding the empty carafe, I went for my belt, as it was too tight. The owner got the wrong impression and, in less than two seconds, some waitresses took my lady friend and me down. They led us directly to the bar where they served us ‘just un petit verre, pour la route,’ meaning this cognac is on the house and you’d better be on your way immediately. We drank the cognac, and, very drunk, got into a cab.
“At the hotel, the first room we fell into was mine. I cannot remember what happened during the night, but when I awoke the next morning, I was lying on my side at the edge of the bed with an unbelievable hangover. Through bleary eyes, I saw a naked woman’s rump within easy reach, legs and all, but I could see no torso. For the first time in my life, I was scared. ‘So this is what they do to sinners,’ I said to myself for I was sure I had arrived in hell. ‘They cut us into two halves, and let each wander in space desperately searching for the other.’ I was on the verge of tears. ‘I guess I deserve it,’ I thought.
“I tried to get out of bed, but I could not move. I was now only the top of Robbie, the upper part of what used to be me. I was petrified for what seemed like an eternity, until the top half of the lady came up from over the side of the bed with some clothes in her hands and stood up. I began to laugh hysterically from the sheer relief of this discovery. The lady was certain I had lost my mind.”
Robbie’s story generated much comment. We wanted to know who the lady was, but Robbie was discrete, and never told. We took to calling the nameless woman “The Hangover Lady.”
While Robbie and I chatted over our drinks, a woman approached the bar. She looked somewhere between a bimbo and a whore. She had a bandana holding her hair, a knotted shirt lifting her breasts and cut-off jeans. She looked sexy, and provocative. Knowing Robbie, I was not surprised to see this cheap looking woman approach him. When she got closer, I was astonished to recognize Angie. I was about to say: “Well, Angie, do you plan to make some money at Place Pigalle, to cover the expenses at ‘chez Maxims?’ You must be deep in debt after that last supper.” But I did not have the courage. I leaned towards Robbie and whispered in his ear: “The Hangover Lady?”
Robbie, who had already done with his third drink, winked at me and said:“Affirmative.”
Angie not only looked different, she also assumed a completely new personality and, once again, a different style of speech. She said little but what she said was vulgar and unpleasant.
Robbie excused himself and went off with Angie. I remained at the bar, confused. I was preoccupied with thoughts about Angie the entire evening and for the last few days of my stay in Paris. Who are you Angie? The housewife, Mrs. Amos? Classy Baroness Bonnelle? Or Robbie's bimbo?
Back at home, a few weeks later, my eyes caught a headline in a lurid tabloid, which I bought for relaxation: “THE CAPTAIN, THE HOSTESS, THE TRAINEE PILOT AND THE DOG.” It related the story of a certain famous married Captain (no name) having an affair with a female cabin attendant (no name). The cabin attendant lives with a trainee pilot whom she plans to marry. They are building a house together. The married Captain, having difficulties seeing the hostess, buys her a Pekinese. While the trainee pilot walks the dog, the Captain sneaks in for a 'quickie.' Unidentified sources said the captain got a bargain at Georgio Armani fashion house where he bought a fancy designer evening gown for his playmate and a suit for himself. He bought her a pearl necklace at Stern’s and an oil painting at Sotheby.
I was impressed with the reporter’s research. During the sixties, every airline captain was a celebrity, especially Avery Bonnelle who was a journalist himself and made sure the jet era people would not be forgotten. It was a weird sensation to participate in the story as an outsider. I knew the people, I had seen the dress and the suit, admired the necklace and the painting, and even stroked the ugly dog. I had a strong urge to find out more about it. The person to talk to was Ruth, a cabin attendant who was both friendly with me, and a confidante of Angie.
Ruth 1968.
I kept the magazine handy in my flight bag until Ruth was assigned to my flight. She read the article twice and finally she said: “She'll be OK with Amos as long as more details are not exposed. ”
“What details?” I asked.
“I am sorry I can’t talk about it”
“Is it about Robbie?” I blurted. It was a fast draw, a bull’s eye.
“What do you know about Robbie?” She asked, frightened.
“A dinner with a nice bottle of wine and an exchange of information - treat on me,” I said.
She accepted reluctantly.
“Ok,” I said to her after the wine, “what's missing in the story?”
She took a long breath. “You know Robbie has a boat?” she started.
“Yes I know.”
“Do you have any idea what goes on aboard the boat?"
“If I know Robbie, it is an unending party,” I said.
“Yes,” she agreed. “But it's unique.”
“What do you mean?"
“Sex.”
“Sounds like Robbie.”
“No, you don't understand. It's not Robbie, it's Angie.”
“What do you mean, Robbie’s boat, and Robbie doesn't know?"
“He doesn't know. Robbie lets Angie use the parked boat when he's away on flights. She runs sex parties.”
“So what’s wrong with that?
“Orgies.”
“Yes, I heard rumors about it too.”
“She films the action.”
“Maybe she wants to improve her technique,” I suggested.
“You dumb-head,” she almost screamed. “She makes porno movies.” People in the restaurant were looking at us.
I couldn't believe my ears. “I don’t understand. Are you suggesting Angie makes porno movies as a business?”
“I'm not suggesting.”
“Please explain.”
“Angie uses professional photographers and editors and then sells copies.”
“And who are the participants in the show?"
“None are professionals. She lures people like a siren and uses their weaknesses.”
“Do they know they are being filmed?"
“Yes. They wear masks and wigs, and makeup too hides a lot, but they have no idea about the commercial part of it.”
“Isn’t she afraid someone will spill the beans?"
“Angie keeps still photos of each one of the participants with the incriminating action at the background. Angie calls it ‘insurance.’ She is the brain, the director and the producer."
“Does she participate?”
“Sometimes, to break the ice and to encourage nervy people. It looks good on the screen when people move from being scared into giving a zesty performance.”
“Who pays for the booze, the food, and the rest of the expenses?”
“Angie - she runs the show.”
“Is she doing drugs?”
“No, no drugs; she doesn't even allow smoking.”
“How do you know so many details? Have you participated in the filming?”
“No, no, definitely not! I was invited once, just to look. That’s how Angie recruits new participants. First, it's just for fun. Then it’s the still photo with the action in the background. But I did not allow even that and, because I'm friendly with her, she did not press me too hard.”
“Do you know of any people who wanted out and she wouldn’t let them?”
“If there were any, I don't know about them. I think they could leave whenever they wanted. Her insurance was to keep them quiet, not to force them to participate.”
This story was heavy stuff. Ruth was nervous and troubled. “I'm afraid of Angie,” she said.
“Why?” I said.
“I'm engaged,” she said, “to a man who is one of the nominees for president of PASCAL INSTITUTION. Angie can jeopardize my marriage and ruin my fiancé's career. I have to play her game forever.”
Ruth had finally got rid of her excess baggage and left me holding it.
“What do you plan to do?” she asked. “Will you tell Robbie?”
“I think Robbie should know she is conducting illegal activities on his boat. I don't know how to tell him. I don't want to expose you as the informer and drag you into conflict with Angie. I’ll find a way,” I said, “and I am most sorry for Amos.”
Our appetite lost, we ate little and silently after that. It was not a pleasant evening.
Several events took place in the course of the coming weeks after the publication of the article in the newspaper. The house Amos and Angie were building was abandoned and the contractor was fired. Robbie found out about Angie’s activities on his boat but not through me. He moved his boat to a remote marina and told everybody it needed repairs. He was afraid a snoopy reporter would get to him. I believe he never sailed it again. I never got to fix his autopilot.
Captain Avery Bonnelle apparently stopped spending on Angie and with money to spare, his wife was seen driving a new red Mustang convertible.
Angie kept a low profile, took a long vacation and eventually resigned and was not seen in public any more.
Joe Bar-Shalit 1968
A group of new pilot recruits joined our company. It comprised young men from Argentina, Peru, Tunisia, England, America, and other countries. The pilot with the most impressive credentials in the group was the American, Joe Bar-Shalit. He was charismatic and spoke a perfect sophisticated English. He presented letters of recommendation from several chief pilots of well-known airlines. His logbook showed he had flown 5000 hours. He seemed eminently suitable for our airline.
“How come,” I asked him, “a clean-cut American boy with a Boston accent has such a Hebrew name?”
“Well,” said Joe, “my family is an old Spanish Jewish family, and we have kept this name since my ancestors left Spain at the time of the inquisition.”
“My family is also from Spain,” I said. “Maybe one day we can compare records, if you have any.”
“Sure, why not, we’ll do it after I finish my training.”
Joe Bar-Shalit did not do well in his training. He had difficulties handling the plane. His performance was not up to his credentials. In addition, although he passed ground school with high marks, his knowledge of aircraft systems was minimal. But Joe Bar-Shalit was a favorite of our chief pilot.
“This guy with his low pitch voice and his perfect professional language will teach the boys some basics,” said the chief pilot to me one day. “I want you to help me with Joe Bar-Shalit. He's a good man but overwhelmed by our big planes. He needs coaching. I want you to find out what his problem is, and try to help him.”
I wasn’t happy with the way I had ‘volunteered.’ I did not know how to help him or what his problem was. I paid him a visit. As I entered Joe’s living room, right in front of me, I saw the painting Bonnelle gave Angie hanging on the wall. “Joe,” I blurted, “is Angie your girl?"
“How do you know?” There was a hint of alarm in his voice.
“Well, I think I heard it from someone,” I prevaricated.
"Who told you? Who else knows about it?” Joe was very disturbed.
I felt as if I stepped on a mound of manure. Something was so wrong, it was weird. “Relax Joe, nobody told me. I just recognized the painting. I saw it when she bought it.”
“Look,” said Joe “it’s a delicate matter. We don’t want anybody to know about it. Publicity will not help her or me. She doesn't work for the company anymore and Bonnelle is one of my checkers.”
“Don't worry, Joe. Nobody will hear it from me.”
I was assigned to fly with Joe and his instructor and for two months, we flew together. During that time, we sat many long hours in hotel rooms and in restaurants, discussing his performance but his progress was slight. Unfortunately for Joe and despite our efforts, he did not make it and was fired after six months.
While in training, Joe behaved bizarrely every time we arrived in New York. After we parked at the gate, Joe would apologize he had to catch a train or make some other excuse, and there in the cockpit, change from his uniform into a suit - each time a different suit and each time a different hat. I did not see him again after he was fired nor did I ever see him with Angie. A year later, I had forgotten them. In the fast lane of airline life, new stories and new characters come marching in day-by-day.
Chuck 1969
One afternoon, I opened the door of my New York hotel room to a knock. Of the three men standing there, I knew one. He was Chuck, our New York chief security officer. The two others showed badges and said: “FBI. May we come in?”
“Sure," I said. “Come in.”
“We would like to ask you a few questions,” said one of them. “Do you know a man by the name of John Clark?”
“No. I don't.”
“We have reason to believe you do.”
“I'm sorry, I wish I could help you, but I really don't know anybody called John Clark.”
“You have been seen talking to him."
“Look gentlemen,” I said, a bit annoyed. “I talk to a lot of people I don't know. Maybe your man is one of them.”
One FBI man whispered to the other. He nodded, pulled an envelope from his vest pocket and showed me a photograph.
“Yes,” I said, “this is me and the guy is Joe Bar Shalit.” I was in uniform and Joe in plain clothes, dark glasses and hat covering his face.
“Repeat the name please.”
“Joe Bar Shalit.”
The man took a notebook out of his pocket. “How do you spell that?”
I told him.
“What can you tell us about him?”
I told them what I knew and when I mentioned he was a trainee pilot, our security officer turned white. He had had no idea. The FBI was looking for Joe, and found me because of my airline uniform. I was beginning to understand why Joe always changed on the airplane. Every one entering America is photographed. The FBI man pulled out another photo and asked: “Do you know who this is?”
It was Angie. She wore a business suit and held an attaché case. She was now a curly blonde and her hair framed her face very attractively, hiding most of it. I was beginning to feel insecure; the FBI was looking for Joe and Angie. I had no idea why, but if they found out I knew Angie, I’d be dragged deeper into the case. “No,” I said, “I have no idea who she is.”
“Well,” said the FBI man, “thank you so much for your help. We appreciate it. If you see any one of them, please give us a call.”
“What's the lady's name, in case I run into them?"
“Her name is Mariana Harper and she's from Memphis.”
Mariana Harper, my foot! I said to myself. How many more surprises do you carry in your bag, Angie?
Chuck, our security officer, stayed on after the FBI left. “Come,” said he, “I’ll buy you coffee and you'll fill me in.”
I gave Chuck a hard time for not checking out Joe Bar-Shalit earlier. “His name was suspicious enough to instigate a thorough check” I said.
Chuck told me Joe was a con man. “About two years ago he pretended he wanted to buy an airplane from a Texas Ranger. He took off for a ‘few circuits to check it out’ and flew the plane to Mexico, where he sold it and disappeared with $250000. Recently, Mariana appeared in Memphis at the same time as John Clark and the F.B.I. thinks they are together. Mariana is the only survivor of the Harper’s, a rich Memphis family. She went up north and nobody heard from her for years. She reappeared six months ago and hired a lawyer who filed a claim on the Harper’s inheritance. Before the case went to court, she sold the property to the lawyer handling the case for twenty five percent of its value. The deal seemed legitimate, but the FBI became suspicious when the money trail disappeared to a numbered account somewhere. The FBI thinks Clark is after her money. They are sure she is being used. They are desperate to warn her.” Now I began to doubt whether the blonde in the photograph was Angie. I decided not to tell Chuck a thing.
During the coming months, I met Chuck several times. At our last meeting, Chuck told me Joe-John had been caught but the woman Mariana, had disappeared into thin air.
Mrs. Ruth Timmons - 1975
Some years later, I got lucky. Ruth was a passenger on my flight. “Have you heard anything from Angie?” I asked, as if enquiring of an old friend.
“Did you know about her last boyfriend?" she asked.
"Yes," I said. “Joe Bar-Shalit.” Ruth looked much surprised and confused. “How do you know about it? It was a secret they kept from everybody and were careful not to be seen together.”
“Why?”
“Angie did not give me any reason at the time. Only, after he was arrested, she told me Joe was a criminal wanted by the FBI. He was using her and got her into trouble. For some reason they kept two separate apartments. When they came to get him, she was on the street. She saw the commotion and managed to escape. She drove to Mexico, then flew to Canada, returned to the States and finally bought a ticket to Australia.”
I raised an eyebrow.
“You know, luck is always on her side,” she continued.
“Do I hear a trace of jealousy in your voice, Ruth?” I said.
“No,” she replied, “but whatever she wanted she got.”
“OK, tell me what makes her so lucky?”
Angie told me Joe left her broke; she said she bought the ticket to Australia with her last penny. But, as I said, she was lucky. On the long flight, the Pan Am First Officer fell in love with her; it was love at first sight. They got married five days later. He was stationed in Sydney for a year. After returning to the States, they bought a house in Seattle on Lake Washington and she gave birth to a girl.
“Are they still together?”
“Divorced; but he left her the house.”
“Look” I said to her, “this is an unbelievable story. With the FBI on her tail, how could she get in and out of the USA so many times without being caught?”
“You don't know anything about Angie do you?”
“What don’t I know?”
“Angie was never her name; it was only the name she chose to use.”
So she's not Angie and she's not Mariana, I was thinking, and probably she has many more names. Who the hell are you, Angie, or whatever your name is?
“Angie was one of identical twins. Liz was the other,” continued Ruth. They grew up without parents. Since they were very young, they discovered the power they possessed as twins. It started as small practical jokes and very quickly became ‘unethical’ to say the least. When they started to date, they swapped the boyfriends. At one time, they switched in the middle of dinner date and the lad could not believe the amount of food his date could eat. They pretended to be erratic and inconsistent so they could switch in the middle and continue with a new topic. Both of them were excellent actresses. They could assume any personality and pretend to be any character they chose.
One man, who dated one when they were nineteen, they tortured by switching while making love and exhausted him completely. They cruelly and viciously played with his emotions until he lost his mind. He wrote a suicide note planning to kill himself next to his girlfriend with a nail gun. He had tampered with the gun’s safety features to make sure it would work, but before he managed to shoot himself, the gun went off. The nail penetrated the girl’s forehead, between the eyes and killed her. The court decided the suicide note was a cover up for pre-meditated murder.
Was It Liz? Or was it Angie? Nobody knows as the remaining sister changed identities. The sisters used different family names before hand, to make their malicious game more affective. The one who called herself Angie ended up with two passports and two identification cards, which she used at will. With the death of her sister, she became amoral, dishonest, mean, and vicious. Although she claimed Bar-Shalit used her, I am sure she was using him. She found in him a partner but definitely outsmarted him. She used Amos, Captain Avery Bonnelle, Robbie, and probably many others as well.
Mrs. Ruth Timmons 1996
“Don’t mention Angie again,” was the first thing Mrs. Timmons said when she joined me at the bar. “I do not want to have anything to do with her. Her name gives me the creeps. Last time I heard from her was three years ago. She didn't tell me from where she was telephoning and I didn’t ask. She changed places without leaving a forwarding address. Every time I heard her voice, I thought it was a ransom call”
“What is she doing with her life?” I asked.
“Nothing. She takes care of her daughter.”
“Why is she on the run?”
“Joe was released from prison at 1983. Since then, he has been looking for her.”
“Why?”
“I believe,” said Ruth, carefully selecting the right words, “I believe, there is an unsettled financial dispute between them.”
“You mean she screwed him on the Memphis deal?”
“Yes, she took the stolen money and ran, but how do you know about Memphis?”
“Never mind.”
After a long pause, she said, “I don’t believe I am telling you this.”
“Telling me what?”
“About Angie.”
“Angie? Angie who? Never heard of any Angie,” I said and we both laughed.
-------------------------------------------------
Update
Amos married and is still with his wife, raising four children.
Captain Avery Bonnelle was not involved with any more scandals and is now in retirement. The vintage mustang was bought by an old car collector, only now it is white, not red.
One gusty, blustery, stormy night Robbie’s boat banged several times against the jetty. The damage was irreparable. Robbie collected the insurance, resigned, and lived on a boat in Spain for ten years. He died at the age of seventy-five. At his funeral, thirty-six years after the glorious Angie era, we recalled “the hangover lady” story and chuckled.
Joe Bar Shalit spent five years in a federal penitentiary during which he had to use his given name.
Ruth, the prominent lady, is today married to the president of a world-renowned research institution. She claims she never knew any person by the name of Angie.
Angie, if she ever existed, disappeared off the face of the earth.
The End
Monday, December 29, 2008
I am the expert
I Am the Expert
Hagai Cohen
The first time I heard this bit of self-praise: “I am the expert,” was from my friend, Dr. George Popper when he told me one of his stories.
George, a geologist, was working some years ago on a special project commissioned by the Federal government. He was given an all-terrain truck, fancy radiation detection equipment and an assistant, to find uranium deposits within the boundaries of the state of Pennsylvania. He spent two vain years on every highway, throughway, turnpike, subway, waterway, driveway, parkway, dirt road, and no man’s land - on foot, on bicycle, on mules and on his truck but no uranium was anywhere to be found.
About a month before he came to the end of his budget and at the end of the two year limit, the Geiger counter started to scream while they drove through a small rural community. George and his assistant quickly equipped themselves with the latest state of the art mobile instruments. Looking like visitors from outer space, they began to comb the area. The closer they got to a particular house the stronger the signal became. George decided it was up to him to warn the residents about the high level of radiation in their home. The two 'aliens' knocked on the door and said with tact, “Nothing to worry about. Just a little radiation, slightly higher than the normal background level.” George turned the counter to minimum sensitivity to lower the noise. He noticed that the radiation level was high but of a strangely unstable nature. Wandering from room to room without finding anything was very frustrating. George’s assistant acknowledging the difficulty came up behind him and whispered, “Don’t you want to get an expert.”
George turned with an impish grin and whispered back, “in case you hadn’t noticed, I am the expert, and the only one, east of the Mississippi, from the Gulf of Mexico to the Hudson Bay.”
The answer to their problem came from an unexpected source. A very old man, ignored by everybody and clutching a walker, said, “Maybe it has to do with the radioactive iodine they gave Granny for her thyroid test this morning.” George immediately turned the Geiger counter off, took the old man’s hand and said: “Thank you sir, for saving the government's money.” He then turned to his assistant and said, “You see, knowledge is not enough, experience is the more important ingredient.”
* * *
By odd circumstances, I had good reason to think of Dr. George Popper’s story and his remarks several years later. It was a day that had began at Kennedy International Airport where we rolled the heavy 747/200 to runway 31-left. Echo Lima Yankee 008 was cleared for takeoff enabling us to barrel down the runway.
It was a routine 340 tons takeoff weight, 130 tons of fuel, 475 passengers and 16 crew members. Apart from a report of ‘embedded thunder storms,’ (storm clouds hiding between harmless clouds), in the vicinity of the airport, there was nothing irregular about this flight. Under fair weather conditions, when the Manhattan skyline was visible, the twin towers stood right in front of the runway. Normal departure procedure calls for a left turn immediately after takeoff.
The takeoff run was normal but at 700 feet, after turning left into clouds I felt an irritation in my eyes. I looked to see if my colleagues felt anything but they were too busy. Our heading, dictated by the approved departure procedure, was taking us right into a cumuli nimbus, a thunder cloud. It was impossible to ask for a deviation as every pilot was demanding at the top of his lungs a heading to avoid the storm or the buildings of Manhattan. Following the approved departure procedure was dangerous.
A very strange smell accompanied the irritation in my eyes. Still not taking it too seriously, I concentrated on the departure. The first officer could not get through a request for a new heading. We were already in the clouds experiencing a lot of turbulence. Maintaining the stability of the airplane so close to the ground with wind-shear and a rapid change of air speed, was an all-consuming task. At that moment I was certain some kind of smoke was polluting our air. I now felt the irritation in my nose and throat.
“Smoke in the cockpit” I cried. “Oxygen masks and regulators.” I recited the first recall item on the checklist. No response from the crew. I called out again, “Smoke! Put on your oxygen masks, gentlemen.” Still no response. They were too busy flying the airplane in the adverse weather conditions. They neither listened to me nor felt the smoke. I undid my belt, removed the oxygen masks from their stowage and handed them over to them. Set your regulators to 100% oxygen" I prompted them. The problem was acknowledged and we communicated through the mike in the oxygen mask.
Smoke in the cockpit from an unknown source is a reason for deep concern to any crew. It may be caused by toxic fumes from burning plastics, an electrical fire, or air-conditioner smoke. The questions to be asked are: how fast will the smoke/fire obscure vision? Disconnect a main electric supply? Disable the flight controls computer? The autopilot? Or other flight-instruments? Fast action is required, first to find the source, then to extinguish the fire and lastly to remove the smoke. If this is not done quickly, the flight crew is constrained to its seats with the oxygen hose and the headset chord, wearing goggles that only partially protect the eyes, and facing obscured flight instruments.
The book instructs laconically: "Declare emergency and land at the nearest suitable airport.” The ‘suitable’ airport might be one where the crew had never before landed, making it necessary to consult the landing charts under stress.
“What now?” I said to myself. What am I supposed to do? "Yes I should follow the checklist" but which one? Air conditioning smoke? Electrical fires? Smoke evacuation? “Something very important is missing in this scenario, an instructor to tell me from where the smoke was emanating. The instructor's comments provided necessary guidance in a simulator. With his hand on my shoulder, he would say, “Electrical smoke,” or “Air-conditioner smoke,” and then it was easy. But where was he?
All aircrew training is done in a simulator. The simulator is a useful trainer but it cannot simulate smoke and it cannot distinguish between electrical smoke and air-conditioner smoke. In this reality, I watched the declining visibility trying to figure out what to do. The smoke was getting thicker and already making breathing difficult. “I have to do something, very soon,” I told myself. “After all, I am the expert.”
I kept repeating to myself, “I am the expert. I am the expert. I am the expert.” I am facing a grave situation and George's funny quote was bouncing in my head. So what does an expert do in a situation like this? "Think logically. Use your intuition. ‘Experience’ was another word George used. “Experience is the more important ingredient.”
I dialed the purser's number. “Purser speaking."
“Is there smoke in the cabin?”
“Yes” coughed the purser.
“Why the hell didn't you call?”
“I did not want to use the override hot line. You know the cabin manual allows us to use the override number only in an emergency.”
The smoke was now heavy in the flight deck and I could hardly talk. Through my coughs I said, “So, in your opinion, this is not an emergency!?” and hung-up.
I deduced that if there were smoke in the cabin, it could only be from the air-conditioning system. I turned off the No. 1 air-conditioner and switched on No. 2. A few minutes later, we were clear of smoke.
I was quite pleased I hadn't gone by “the book”. I knew the checklist would have taken at least half an hour of isolating systems one by one for trouble shooting, ultimately achieving the same result.
Of course, I called Dr. George Popper to inform him with delight that the uranium deposits in the old woman's thyroid guided me through my emergency.
Incidentally, the first page of the operations/training manual used to read: ‘This book is for unskilled pilots and not a substitute for experience and intuition.’ Over the years the operations manual became a legal document and the checklist sacred. That first page was removed by lawyers. Going by the book in a case of smoke in the cockpit may appear legally good, but medically the crew may simply appear dead.
This story is based on a true incident. The actual writing of it prompted years later, after the Swissair 111* smoke/fire incident. The Swissair crew did not identify the source of the smoke, did not communicate properly (language and hierarchy issues), and used the incorrect checklist. They crashed into the North Atlantic Ocean.
*For more information about Swiss air accident, go to Google “cockpit fires Swissair 111.”
Dr George Popper wrote this
Quite a story. You captured it well and at the end tied all the pieces nicely together … And thanks for the honorable mention. One additional background point to the “I am the expert” incident. This all took place near Lebanon, Pennsylvania, not many miles away from the Three Mile Island reactor where a week or two earlier the “meltdown” accident had taken place … so everyone was under extreme heightened sensitivity regarding radiation. When I showed up at those people’s door the first thing they thought about was, “Did this have something to do with the reactor?”
12/29/2008
Hagai Cohen
The first time I heard this bit of self-praise: “I am the expert,” was from my friend, Dr. George Popper when he told me one of his stories.
George, a geologist, was working some years ago on a special project commissioned by the Federal government. He was given an all-terrain truck, fancy radiation detection equipment and an assistant, to find uranium deposits within the boundaries of the state of Pennsylvania. He spent two vain years on every highway, throughway, turnpike, subway, waterway, driveway, parkway, dirt road, and no man’s land - on foot, on bicycle, on mules and on his truck but no uranium was anywhere to be found.
About a month before he came to the end of his budget and at the end of the two year limit, the Geiger counter started to scream while they drove through a small rural community. George and his assistant quickly equipped themselves with the latest state of the art mobile instruments. Looking like visitors from outer space, they began to comb the area. The closer they got to a particular house the stronger the signal became. George decided it was up to him to warn the residents about the high level of radiation in their home. The two 'aliens' knocked on the door and said with tact, “Nothing to worry about. Just a little radiation, slightly higher than the normal background level.” George turned the counter to minimum sensitivity to lower the noise. He noticed that the radiation level was high but of a strangely unstable nature. Wandering from room to room without finding anything was very frustrating. George’s assistant acknowledging the difficulty came up behind him and whispered, “Don’t you want to get an expert.”
George turned with an impish grin and whispered back, “in case you hadn’t noticed, I am the expert, and the only one, east of the Mississippi, from the Gulf of Mexico to the Hudson Bay.”
The answer to their problem came from an unexpected source. A very old man, ignored by everybody and clutching a walker, said, “Maybe it has to do with the radioactive iodine they gave Granny for her thyroid test this morning.” George immediately turned the Geiger counter off, took the old man’s hand and said: “Thank you sir, for saving the government's money.” He then turned to his assistant and said, “You see, knowledge is not enough, experience is the more important ingredient.”
* * *
By odd circumstances, I had good reason to think of Dr. George Popper’s story and his remarks several years later. It was a day that had began at Kennedy International Airport where we rolled the heavy 747/200 to runway 31-left. Echo Lima Yankee 008 was cleared for takeoff enabling us to barrel down the runway.
It was a routine 340 tons takeoff weight, 130 tons of fuel, 475 passengers and 16 crew members. Apart from a report of ‘embedded thunder storms,’ (storm clouds hiding between harmless clouds), in the vicinity of the airport, there was nothing irregular about this flight. Under fair weather conditions, when the Manhattan skyline was visible, the twin towers stood right in front of the runway. Normal departure procedure calls for a left turn immediately after takeoff.
The takeoff run was normal but at 700 feet, after turning left into clouds I felt an irritation in my eyes. I looked to see if my colleagues felt anything but they were too busy. Our heading, dictated by the approved departure procedure, was taking us right into a cumuli nimbus, a thunder cloud. It was impossible to ask for a deviation as every pilot was demanding at the top of his lungs a heading to avoid the storm or the buildings of Manhattan. Following the approved departure procedure was dangerous.
A very strange smell accompanied the irritation in my eyes. Still not taking it too seriously, I concentrated on the departure. The first officer could not get through a request for a new heading. We were already in the clouds experiencing a lot of turbulence. Maintaining the stability of the airplane so close to the ground with wind-shear and a rapid change of air speed, was an all-consuming task. At that moment I was certain some kind of smoke was polluting our air. I now felt the irritation in my nose and throat.
“Smoke in the cockpit” I cried. “Oxygen masks and regulators.” I recited the first recall item on the checklist. No response from the crew. I called out again, “Smoke! Put on your oxygen masks, gentlemen.” Still no response. They were too busy flying the airplane in the adverse weather conditions. They neither listened to me nor felt the smoke. I undid my belt, removed the oxygen masks from their stowage and handed them over to them. Set your regulators to 100% oxygen" I prompted them. The problem was acknowledged and we communicated through the mike in the oxygen mask.
Smoke in the cockpit from an unknown source is a reason for deep concern to any crew. It may be caused by toxic fumes from burning plastics, an electrical fire, or air-conditioner smoke. The questions to be asked are: how fast will the smoke/fire obscure vision? Disconnect a main electric supply? Disable the flight controls computer? The autopilot? Or other flight-instruments? Fast action is required, first to find the source, then to extinguish the fire and lastly to remove the smoke. If this is not done quickly, the flight crew is constrained to its seats with the oxygen hose and the headset chord, wearing goggles that only partially protect the eyes, and facing obscured flight instruments.
The book instructs laconically: "Declare emergency and land at the nearest suitable airport.” The ‘suitable’ airport might be one where the crew had never before landed, making it necessary to consult the landing charts under stress.
“What now?” I said to myself. What am I supposed to do? "Yes I should follow the checklist" but which one? Air conditioning smoke? Electrical fires? Smoke evacuation? “Something very important is missing in this scenario, an instructor to tell me from where the smoke was emanating. The instructor's comments provided necessary guidance in a simulator. With his hand on my shoulder, he would say, “Electrical smoke,” or “Air-conditioner smoke,” and then it was easy. But where was he?
All aircrew training is done in a simulator. The simulator is a useful trainer but it cannot simulate smoke and it cannot distinguish between electrical smoke and air-conditioner smoke. In this reality, I watched the declining visibility trying to figure out what to do. The smoke was getting thicker and already making breathing difficult. “I have to do something, very soon,” I told myself. “After all, I am the expert.”
I kept repeating to myself, “I am the expert. I am the expert. I am the expert.” I am facing a grave situation and George's funny quote was bouncing in my head. So what does an expert do in a situation like this? "Think logically. Use your intuition. ‘Experience’ was another word George used. “Experience is the more important ingredient.”
I dialed the purser's number. “Purser speaking."
“Is there smoke in the cabin?”
“Yes” coughed the purser.
“Why the hell didn't you call?”
“I did not want to use the override hot line. You know the cabin manual allows us to use the override number only in an emergency.”
The smoke was now heavy in the flight deck and I could hardly talk. Through my coughs I said, “So, in your opinion, this is not an emergency!?” and hung-up.
I deduced that if there were smoke in the cabin, it could only be from the air-conditioning system. I turned off the No. 1 air-conditioner and switched on No. 2. A few minutes later, we were clear of smoke.
I was quite pleased I hadn't gone by “the book”. I knew the checklist would have taken at least half an hour of isolating systems one by one for trouble shooting, ultimately achieving the same result.
Of course, I called Dr. George Popper to inform him with delight that the uranium deposits in the old woman's thyroid guided me through my emergency.
Incidentally, the first page of the operations/training manual used to read: ‘This book is for unskilled pilots and not a substitute for experience and intuition.’ Over the years the operations manual became a legal document and the checklist sacred. That first page was removed by lawyers. Going by the book in a case of smoke in the cockpit may appear legally good, but medically the crew may simply appear dead.
This story is based on a true incident. The actual writing of it prompted years later, after the Swissair 111* smoke/fire incident. The Swissair crew did not identify the source of the smoke, did not communicate properly (language and hierarchy issues), and used the incorrect checklist. They crashed into the North Atlantic Ocean.
*For more information about Swiss air accident, go to Google “cockpit fires Swissair 111.”
Dr George Popper wrote this
Quite a story. You captured it well and at the end tied all the pieces nicely together … And thanks for the honorable mention. One additional background point to the “I am the expert” incident. This all took place near Lebanon, Pennsylvania, not many miles away from the Three Mile Island reactor where a week or two earlier the “meltdown” accident had taken place … so everyone was under extreme heightened sensitivity regarding radiation. When I showed up at those people’s door the first thing they thought about was, “Did this have something to do with the reactor?”
12/29/2008
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